Quote: BTW, you can be around more and genuinely engaged when you are WITHOUT pursuing her, and you can do so in a frame of mind in which you have really let go, at least for awhile, to give her time to CHOOSE YOU.
Ok, this makes more sense to me. I think I have been successful in this for the most part, but I could surely do more. I think during that recent R talk, I made it clear to me AND her that I HAD let go. I told her that while she was not my child to "give permission" to, I wanted her to know that she WAS free to go if that is what she chose to do, that while I would fight for her, I would not "stop" her anymore. That started off the whole part of the convo I posted about earlier today where she talked about fearing I would "not be able to go on" if she left me, etc.
I think she really believes that I will be ok if things don't work out and I feel good about that. It means I have done pretty good DBing and GAL (or in my case, actually enjoying the life I already had).
I want to point out too, that many DBers or people in general FEAR greatly this idea that their WAS will think they are "ok" and take it as a pass to leave. This is my thought on that; if the only reason they were staying was because they thought you would die without them, then your R was not real anyway. Remove all the ties that bind, i.e. set them free, and you will see what the true marriage is made of.
I hope I have been able to do that in my sitch. I WAS one of the most needy, clingy, passive/aggressive people you'd ever want (or not want) to meet and I am now something approaching a confident, independent man who SEEMS to know what he wants from his life/wife.
I will end with a little aside that is semi-off topic but I do think it illustrates the basic changes I made.
My W used to ask me periodically what I wanted from life. Usually the conversation would turn to what I wanted from my photography career, etc. I would always either say I didn't know or some other vague thing that conveyed the idea of "I just want to be happy and with my family." I always thought that was what she wanted to hear. I was SO wrong. I now realize that my W wanted to hear that I was still the passionate, driven man she married. Instead I showed her I had completely given up all that made me appealing to her ALL IN HER NAME! Not only did I stop being "that guy" but I in effect blamed her.
Now, I KNOW what I want from my career and she can see that. I am back into it with all the passion and determination that she used to see from me and it is carrying over into other parts of my life.
I think the key to this is understanding that it's very hard to have true passion in your life if that passion is 100% about another person. You have to have SOMETHING in your life that they can look to and see a vibrant human being, forging in the world to make their own path to happiness. Otherwise you become a passenger on THEIR journey and for many people, the idea of a full-time passenger is not an appealing one...
That was pure philosophical journaling but I need to get some of that stuff out every once in awhile.
