Very important stuff. Anyway, you may want to try to back off and give her space for awhile so that she has the space she needs to figure out what she wants. She can't do that unless you are further from her than she wants to be to you. Then she will feel her wish to be closer. (I can't see the future or make any promises, but if I had to bet, I'd lay my money on your M becoming one that is strong and long-lasting.)
Anyway, back to backing off. Think of it this way, suppose she can handle closeness up to 10 feet away. More than that, and it is too much distance for her, she will keep coming toward you to close the gap to 10 feet. If you try to get closer, to 8 or 9 feet, she'll keep backing away to maintain the 10 feet.
Now, suppose she really does start wanting more in terms of intimacy with you, less distance. She becomes comfortable with 9 feet. If you have ALREADY closed the gap to 9 feet, she feels no change in what she wants from you, she feels no need to get closer to you, she does not have the experience of wanting more from you. Why? You have taken that opportunity away from her, the opportunity to have the space to feel what she wants...the opportunity feel that she wants to take a step towards you.
Why do so many here resist given WASs adequate space? (Rant coming...) Fear that they will be forgotten (won't happen) and neediness. A selfish need to be as close to the WAS as the WAS will tolerate even if that level of closeness is really less than the WAS needs to develop and grow into a more authentic person that understands what he/she really wants. You get a person unable to give their spouse space when you combine that selfishness/fear/neediness with an attitude all too prevelant among LBS that includes some of the following feelings/beliefs:
-- I know better than WAS does what WAS wants/needs. -- I am a better person morally than WAS. -- I have perfect insight into the "crazy" behavior of WAS -- WAS will always regret leaving me. -- OP is evil -- the A is an empty an meaningless R that cannot involve real caring -- the A is doomed no matter what -- I am right and in the end I will win -- WAS needs me and will fall apart without me -- WAS's life will be horrible without me -- if I really love WAS, I will be there no matter what, always on the doorstep in case WAS decides to let me back in -- WAS can't deal with what it would be like to lose me -- blah blah blah
That you have really been able to detach so that you aren't being run by fear and neediness, and that you have really been able to respect your W and extend her compassion and understanding rather than treating her like an evil crazy person who needs to be coddled and coaxed back onto the "right" path is the secret to your success. Yes, you are clearly a success, no matter what happens. And you can't be a success without getting to the point that the success is NOT contingent on the future of your M.
Anyway, you are clearly doing great. Excellent post to the newcomer BTW. Do you see how you can be pretty direct and open with a newcomer because you don't need approval/acceptance/validation from the newcomer? The lack of neediness makes it a pretty detached interaction, and being detached is what makes it so authentic, helpful, honest, quality stuff. You see, detachment really does allow for more genuine, less selfish, love and compassion for others, most importantly for those closest to you. It stops you from making their issues "all about you" and lets you instead really hear them and care for them.
