Reading a post on Leslie's thread made me remember something else W said to me in the last big R talk.
She said...
W: I have always felt just as much pressure from you because of how you reacted in the beginning of all this, saying you could not live without me, and that I was "everything" to you. I felt like by doing this, or even considering leaving, it put YOUR well-being and future happiness all on me and I hate that. M: Wow, I never really thought of that in that way. Well, that's not true. I CAN and WILL go on without you. I love you with all my heart and will fight for you to stay but if you do leave, I will grieve and then move on. Thinking of that, I realize now that you said that, it probably made you think of your brother and how you feel responsible in part for his unhappiness. You have always felt responsible because if you had been there he would not have died (Her 18 year old brother died-a possible suicide/accident about 10 years ago and she feels like she could have prevented it). W: (with a BIG look of "OMG") YES, that's exactly what it reminded me of and it tore me up because I can't go through that again. I WON'T feel like that again. M: Well, I reacted emotionally and back then, I felt that way, but now I understand what it means to make my own happiness and that's what I will do with or without you. Of course, I would prefer it be WITH you.
We went on to discuss more related to that, her brother's death and how she still feels like she hasn't grieved for him, and other things. I don't recall when that was said in the overall conversation but I do remember thinking that it was big to have gotten that out. One of the things I found myself wanting to do was point out that I no longer relied on her for making me happy. I know she has seen it but I just wanted to make sure that she understood that I was neither putting overt OR covert pressure on her. I was secure in my ability to maintain no matter what happened or didn't happen. There was NO pressure from me other than the pressure my mere existence in the house provided. She seemed to understand this and accept it. I think that was important for sure.
