OT, thank you as well. I KNOW I'll be ok, that's just it. I can't figure out what I want to be honest about because I don't even know what I know. Know what I mean? If I go off "expressing myself about something that isn't even "true" or something that she is just going to lie about, then what? Where are we then? Ok, she knows how I feel, but she also knows I still obsess over this stuff. I suppose her knowing that is "honest" and me holding back that info is "dishonest" but, well, just but...
I did approach her again tonight. I just walked up to her and said...
M: I want to ask you again if you wanted to talk. You said we had things to talk about." W: No. I was just having an anxiety moment. I'm ok now. M: Ok, but do you think it might be good to see someone about that? I know you wanted to awhile ago. W: No, I don't want any medication or anything. I'll be ok. M: It just hurts me to see you like this. I understand you are under a lot of stress. I just want you to know that this is hard for me too because I don't know everything. I know that our situation is stressful but I don't know what else is bothering you. Specifically, I don't know if OM is still an issue. It bothers me to think it is but I hope you'd tell me. W: No. I can't even leave the house so... (I don't know what that has to do with it but...) M: Ok. I just want to make sure that you know I am ready to listen when you want to talk, and I want to be able to talk to you too. W: Ok. Like I said, I'm fine.
Ok, so she's fine. I'm fine, we're all "fine". Great. So do we just exist "fine" forever?
I WILL talk to her, and before it's too late. I don't know what I will say, and for me, that will BE the emotional risk because I will just take the leap, not knowing what I want to say, how she'll react, or what will happen afterward. I wish I could say that will be 5 minutes from now, but I can't. I don't know when I will be ready, but I do know that I can't wait anymore for the "right" moment. There IS NO right moment, which is why I haven't found one yet.
I thought all the parts before this one were the hardest. I was wrong. THIS is the hardest, not the worst, but the hardest because it was easy to think of all that has come before as things that "happened" to me and thus at least BEGIN to deal with them as a victim even if I finally figured out that I was not. THIS thing is something I have to own 100% and take the ultimate risk to do. That is REAL difficulty.
