This morning was probably the most trying DB moment I have had to face yet, and mainly because things ARE so much better. What happened was that I went to bed early last night because I have the biggest wedding of the season to shoot today. Things were fine between W and I when I went to bed. Hugs goodnight as usual. The only thing really out of the ordinary that happened was that W yelled up to me (I was getting some prep work done for today upstairs) to throw her down some PJ's. Well, instead, I found some sexy undies and threw them down instead. She got a good laugh out of that and said "I SAID PJ's, not lacy red underwear." I laughed along with her but then said "Sometime I would like you to tell me why that was so funny. I love to see you in those." She said "I wear underwear all the time." with a smile. I said "I know but..." That was really the end of it. Since the whole thing was playful, I sent her an email a bit later saying that I really WANTED to see her in AND out of those panties. "You are a spectacular, sexy woman and you know it. More than that, I KNOW IT!"
I though that would be fine. I don't know how she reacted or IF she even got it yet. I was asleep long before she came to bed.
So, this morning, I wake up to discover she is wearing one of those freaking shirts again, the ones that smell like him. The problem is that I CAN'T do THIS today. I AGONIZED because I swore I would not tolerate this again and HAD to say something. I had my mouth open and closed it several times. In the end, I could NOT do this today. I could not afford to get emotional today because this is my biggest wedding of the year and my success depends on being focused on the task at hand, not totally distracted by conflict with my W.
I KNOW that I probably should have said something but then I thought about it. I thought that I COULD be wrong about this stuff and I SURE as hell don't know what it means. OF course, I immediately thought that OM must be back in the picture, she's been hiding things all this time much better than I ever expected, etc. I thought all the worst things...and then I thought...well, it COULD be that she is just missing him or still trying to get over him and that is all the shirt is. I am still hurt by it but IF it was that, and not evidence of the A continuing then I was LESS motivated to call her on it. I made a promise with myself that I would detach from these kinds of things and I thought that sticking to that agreement with myself was actually more important to me than enforcing a boundary that I wasn't sure I believed in.
Anyway, like I said, no matter what, and I am not trying to manage anyone's emotions here but my own, this would have been a bad thing, it always has been, for me to bring this up. I no longer care if it's bad or not, since I have stopped managing my W's reactions, but this morning, of all mornings, is the absolute WORST time.
I still don't know if this is something I need to talk to her about in light of things SEEMING to be much better these days. I see any other signs of OM. There are no phone calls at night, she answers her phone in the day, and generally seems like she's living up to her word of no contact with him. I think, at least for this morning, until I can process all this, I need just move on and concentrate on my job today. In other-words, GAL and stop focusing on this negative stimuli.
It was an important lesson to me to not let my guard down. My W is still in a fragile place where I can't be sure of her motives or really trust her fully. This means, as OT often says, I am NOT in a relationship that can sustain much more than casual friendship and co-parenting. I want more, and maybe I can still have more but this made me take a step back and think a little.
I know I could have been VERY wrong to not have said anything but I made the decision that would allow me to do what I needed to do today and also the one that seems most in keeping with my overall goals of detachment and acting "as if". We'll see how things go from here. As hard as it was not to say something this morning, I don't know if I can resist again, nor do I know if I SHOULD. That is a question for another time.
So, I am off to shoot for the day. Wish me luck and I will probably not be around until tomorrow sometime.
Whew, you got that out. Now, stop wondering if you should have/should NOT have asked. You have a big job to focus on. You are strong, pull that from within your core today and do a spectacular job.
As a friend of mine said long ago: put it in your pocket for now, you have other things to focus on. If you let yourself get bothered, you'll resent yourself and W, and she didn't mean to throw you off today.
Should you ask her? How is your communication now? Can she be honest and not have to lie? Can you be calm? If not, then don't ask, you might just get a lie. If you can, then do talk to her. Or at least tell her that it bothers you that she wears those shirts. You have a right to say that and she has a right to know. Keeping silent on this won't help. You might be able to see from her reaction to this request the truth of things still going on.
You're awesome in all your advice...take a little bit of that today.
when did you smell him - or was this something she told you
but I assume its been washed a few times so how could it smell like anyone
I would say she was more concerned with sexy undies thing and thinking about it made her uncomfortable and so she was just giving you a message - 'not yet I'm not ready'
sometimes the reasons for something are simpler than we think
I think you did good especially to hang on to it and not let it affect your work
sometimes work can save us from just letting emotions take over
I know that my work has helped me stay in control of a lot of things
BJ, I think it "smells like him" because it doesn't smell like me, her or any other thing we have in the house, and it has a STRONG scent. Whatever it smells like was put there on purpose. Also, the teddy bear she was sleeping with that I suspected came from the OM smelled exactly the same. It's not to hard to figure out.
ANYWAY, my wedding went well and I have put this morning behind me. Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to just move forward with open eyes.
Sounds like you took care of yourself here... Put it to the side until there was a better time to deal with it or it had passed.
It doesn't sound like it has passed.
I'm not sure what kind of convo you envision with W, but it sounds like you see an interrogation. I'm not sure if it includes bright lights or anything under the fingernails or not.
Anyway, you mentioned that the hurt questioning mode doesn't work very well. Why not try something different?
Take a real emotional risk and a step toward intimacy by sharing your feelings.
"Call me crazy W, but I was really hurt and scared yesterday morning. I woke up on a high note thinking of you in the red panties, but then I saw you in a shirt that I believe is OMs. I was crushed. It was really all I could do to keep it together for the wedding. To be honest, when I see that shirt and a few other things, especially when you wear them, all I can think about is you with OM and my fear about being hurt all over again comes bubbling up. I wonder if I am being stupid for trusting you. I'm scared to say anything to you because I don't know how you'll react."
Quote: I'm not sure what kind of convo you envision with W, but it sounds like you see an interrogation. I'm not sure if it includes bright lights or anything under the fingernails or not.
No, actually, it was just about exactly what you said. I was going to share my feelings, not ask any questions. Having given it some more thought, another reason I didn't do it was that I'm not sure my feelings really mean much to her right now. I mean, on the surface, in terms of daily life, she is considerate and we get along great but any deeper than that and I just don't know. I will journal next more about that.
Well, things are not all rosy in GH-land this morning. Last night when I got home from the wedding, W seemed to be in an ok mood. We talked about the wedding, I made her laugh with a couple funny stories from it and then I went to bed. When she came to bed, she was shaking and seemed to be having one of her panic attacks. Well, she was and she had trouble breathing. I suggested we get her to a doctor, which as always, she refused saying she'd be ok. Then she went on to say something she's said a lot before...
W: I can't do this anymore. We need to talk tomorrow. M: What about. W: Us, everything. We need to talk about things. You know things are not good. I keep it all bottled up inside and it's making me sick. I hate waking up in the morning, making breakfast and then the day just goes by, nothing changing, status quo. M: You don't think that bothers me too? What do you want to say? W: Nothing. We'll talk tomorrow.
Well, she managed to calm herself down and fell asleep. This morning I asked her what she wanted to talk about and she just said she needed to think about what she wanted to say for awhile. She said she was just under tremendous stress all the time. I asked if it was "him" that was causing her stress or "us" or both. She didn't answer that. She mumbled something like "It's not really bad" and then just said she was still tired and wanted to rest some more. I just said ok and walked away to make the kids' breakfast.
I have NO clue where this is going. In the past, when she's used those words, it has been about her not wanting to be here. It felt like the bombs were dropping again. The only real difference is that I have been expecting these bombs for awhile and have managed to build myself a little emotional bomb shelter. I hope it can withstand whatever she's got for me.
I hope my next post is about something that I can handle. I have no real idea if or when she will actually talk about this. It could very well be that she'll just suppress it again and I will be left guessing. If I try to address it, she will just clam up as she always does.
I don't like this but WTH, it's my life and I have to deal with it.
W: Us, everything. We need to talk about things. You know things are not good. I keep it all bottled up inside and it's making me sick. I hate waking up in the morning, making breakfast and then the day just goes by, nothing changing, status quo.
You hate this too. I think you need to really listen to her and really open up.
If you wait to open up until "you know" how she will respond, it will be too late. That is mere safety, not intimacy, not change. Like I've said, as far as she knows, you are fine with the status quo.
I was going to share my feelings, not ask any questions. Having given it some more thought, another reason I didn't do it was that I'm not sure my feelings really mean much to her right now.
Case in point ^
I asked if it was "him" that was causing her stress or "us" or both. She didn't answer that. She mumbled something like "It's not really bad" and then just said she was still tired and wanted to rest some more. I just said ok and walked away to make the kids' breakfast.
I see interrogation here rather than listening and sharing.
I have NO clue where this is going.
Quite true.
If I try to address it, she will just clam up as she always does.
Ah, so I guess you were mistaken before and you do have a clue. Indeed, you seem pretty certain you understand this all perfectly...
