Well, things are not all rosy in GH-land this morning. Last night when I got home from the wedding, W seemed to be in an ok mood. We talked about the wedding, I made her laugh with a couple funny stories from it and then I went to bed. When she came to bed, she was shaking and seemed to be having one of her panic attacks. Well, she was and she had trouble breathing. I suggested we get her to a doctor, which as always, she refused saying she'd be ok. Then she went on to say something she's said a lot before...
W: I can't do this anymore. We need to talk tomorrow. M: What about. W: Us, everything. We need to talk about things. You know things are not good. I keep it all bottled up inside and it's making me sick. I hate waking up in the morning, making breakfast and then the day just goes by, nothing changing, status quo. M: You don't think that bothers me too? What do you want to say? W: Nothing. We'll talk tomorrow.
Well, she managed to calm herself down and fell asleep. This morning I asked her what she wanted to talk about and she just said she needed to think about what she wanted to say for awhile. She said she was just under tremendous stress all the time. I asked if it was "him" that was causing her stress or "us" or both. She didn't answer that. She mumbled something like "It's not really bad" and then just said she was still tired and wanted to rest some more. I just said ok and walked away to make the kids' breakfast.
I have NO clue where this is going. In the past, when she's used those words, it has been about her not wanting to be here. It felt like the bombs were dropping again. The only real difference is that I have been expecting these bombs for awhile and have managed to build myself a little emotional bomb shelter. I hope it can withstand whatever she's got for me.
I hope my next post is about something that I can handle. I have no real idea if or when she will actually talk about this. It could very well be that she'll just suppress it again and I will be left guessing. If I try to address it, she will just clam up as she always does.
I don't like this but WTH, it's my life and I have to deal with it.
