This morning was probably the most trying DB moment I have had to face yet, and mainly because things ARE so much better. What happened was that I went to bed early last night because I have the biggest wedding of the season to shoot today. Things were fine between W and I when I went to bed. Hugs goodnight as usual. The only thing really out of the ordinary that happened was that W yelled up to me (I was getting some prep work done for today upstairs) to throw her down some PJ's. Well, instead, I found some sexy undies and threw them down instead. She got a good laugh out of that and said "I SAID PJ's, not lacy red underwear." I laughed along with her but then said "Sometime I would like you to tell me why that was so funny. I love to see you in those." She said "I wear underwear all the time." with a smile. I said "I know but..." That was really the end of it. Since the whole thing was playful, I sent her an email a bit later saying that I really WANTED to see her in AND out of those panties. "You are a spectacular, sexy woman and you know it. More than that, I KNOW IT!"
I though that would be fine. I don't know how she reacted or IF she even got it yet. I was asleep long before she came to bed.
So, this morning, I wake up to discover she is wearing one of those freaking shirts again, the ones that smell like him. The problem is that I CAN'T do THIS today. I AGONIZED because I swore I would not tolerate this again and HAD to say something. I had my mouth open and closed it several times. In the end, I could NOT do this today. I could not afford to get emotional today because this is my biggest wedding of the year and my success depends on being focused on the task at hand, not totally distracted by conflict with my W.
I KNOW that I probably should have said something but then I thought about it. I thought that I COULD be wrong about this stuff and I SURE as hell don't know what it means. OF course, I immediately thought that OM must be back in the picture, she's been hiding things all this time much better than I ever expected, etc. I thought all the worst things...and then I thought...well, it COULD be that she is just missing him or still trying to get over him and that is all the shirt is. I am still hurt by it but IF it was that, and not evidence of the A continuing then I was LESS motivated to call her on it. I made a promise with myself that I would detach from these kinds of things and I thought that sticking to that agreement with myself was actually more important to me than enforcing a boundary that I wasn't sure I believed in.
Anyway, like I said, no matter what, and I am not trying to manage anyone's emotions here but my own, this would have been a bad thing, it always has been, for me to bring this up. I no longer care if it's bad or not, since I have stopped managing my W's reactions, but this morning, of all mornings, is the absolute WORST time.
I still don't know if this is something I need to talk to her about in light of things SEEMING to be much better these days. I see any other signs of OM. There are no phone calls at night, she answers her phone in the day, and generally seems like she's living up to her word of no contact with him. I think, at least for this morning, until I can process all this, I need just move on and concentrate on my job today. In other-words, GAL and stop focusing on this negative stimuli.
It was an important lesson to me to not let my guard down. My W is still in a fragile place where I can't be sure of her motives or really trust her fully. This means, as OT often says, I am NOT in a relationship that can sustain much more than casual friendship and co-parenting. I want more, and maybe I can still have more but this made me take a step back and think a little.
I know I could have been VERY wrong to not have said anything but I made the decision that would allow me to do what I needed to do today and also the one that seems most in keeping with my overall goals of detachment and acting "as if". We'll see how things go from here. As hard as it was not to say something this morning, I don't know if I can resist again, nor do I know if I SHOULD. That is a question for another time.
So, I am off to shoot for the day. Wish me luck and I will probably not be around until tomorrow sometime.
