IS MY MARRIAGE WORTH SAVING???

[hurtingagain]

As I'm getting ready around 7, D comes home. Comes in and ask me to buy them some booze. I said NO. She's all b*tchy and saying crazy things. Why not? During our spring break vacation, she and her friend drank. H is like it's spring break and I was outnumbered as I always was with H & D. They always saying you think you're holier than thou and all when I tried to set up rules.

I hadn't been out with this girlfriend for 2 mos. We go out have a couple of beers, get home around midnight. When I walk in the door, I see a case of beer on the counter. D16 has her boyfriend and another kid I don't know
in house drinking. I got mad immediately. Asked the unknown kid to leave. D gets in my face saying " I told you I'd get something to drink, you bi-polar bitch". I slapped her face. She called her dad, he came and picked up. We had some ugly words and I ended up slapping him in the face.

My friend told me that H told D16 that we'll sell this house and I'll give you 10% of what we make, bribing her to stay with him, so he won't have to pay support.

They always team up and make me look like the one who is nuts and I hate this. I know that our D is going to be so ugly, especially if I am truthful about our REAL family. Do I do that or just give up and let D stay with H, though I know she'll be drinking, doing drugs and whatever she wants under H roof.

When addictions are involved there is NO SANITY!!!!! Pray for me.

[Gwyn]

I am going to give you some advise because I've been there and done that. I know you've been reading up on my sitch so you know that my H is my second H and not the father of my kids. Your D sounds a lot lot my son. Although my son's dad is a christian man and would not tolerate drinking. At any rate, my son was so out of control and I couldn't do a thing with him. He would get in my face and say horrible things, drink, got suspended from school quite often, etc. Under age drinking is a crime! And you will be held responsible if anything should happen. In other words, you could get sued. I dealt with this for so long that I frankly wanted to save my son, so I went to mediation with my attorney, my ex and his attorney to reverse the custody. My ex actually fought me on this because he didn't want the headache but we decided what I was doing was failing and he needed to step up to the plate and see what he could do. So I paid my ex child support. My son still throws this up in my face, but it was and I still believe with all my heart it was the best for both my son and my ex. My son couldn't bully his dad like he did me, and my ex became sympathetic with what I had been dealing with. My advise is be very careful with your D, if she drinks in your house, that's between you and her, but if she brings another under aged person in your home and that guest drinks, YOU are responsible!!! If your D is all about living with your H, don't fight it, let her. It sounds like that you're trying to protect your D from your H, but he's her father so he does have rights. Your H sounds like a disney land dad, I'll let you do this and let you do that. But the fact of the matter, if he is soley responsible, he will think twice about her actions and how this will effect his life style. I know it goes without saying, under no circumstances allow your D to talk to you the way she is and allow her friends to drink in YOUR home!!! Have you tried to get her into counseling? I searched and searched answers on what to do with my son, and the only thing I could do to try and save him was to let him live with his dad. My son didn't want to go because he ran a tight ship, but it was good for him. When his dad got tired of the ordeal, he kicked my son out, he came back to my house, tried all his stuff again, until finally, I took him apartment looking, paid his first month's rent and told him if he wanted to live like an adult, go for it! He is now doing very well because he now knows how hard it is to make ends meet and if you play, you have to pay. And, it should not be you that pays. I hope this helps.

[hurtingagain]

H brought D home Sunday afternoon. She seemed calm down, but I always am suspicious what they plan together and feel on the outside. SHe may end up living with him and I
may have to accept that.

D got sick Monday night, so took her to Dr Tues. morning. Has a bad sore throat and been in bed 2 days, so no drama. I needed the break.

Talked to H on phone extensively MOnday. He's moving into his house this weekend. Wanted to know what stuff he can have. So I guess he or someone will be over to get it. That will be hard. I haven't seen him other than briefly for about 3 weeks.

I'm still mad as H*ll about him offering D a percentage of what H makes if he sells the house he's moving into. He's always using money or things to pull her to him. I work part-time, so I don't have the means he will. Though I am hoping to be full time by fall. My dept sounds like it'll have 5 openings by then.

I still don't feel like filing for D. I've been praying that I will know when it's time.

Last night I went out with a couple gals from work and met 2 of their friends. It was a fun. All these gals had long
time marriages that ended within the last 2 years to recent.

[hurtingagain]

H moved our 2/18/06, lived with his brother. Bought him a house. UHaul showed up at 8:30 am to take half my stuff. It was a hard day. My D16 moved her queen size bed to his house and I'm not sure if she'll end up living there or not. So many issues to our whole family.



After fight with D16 over weekend, I'm AFRAID she'll decide to live with dad. I'm working now and dread going home to that empty house with little furniture and NO-one there. Luckily I stayed busy at work to keep my mind off of it and not cry all DAY.

I was thinking how little we had when we married 23 yrs ago and when I go home, I'll have a little more than we did then. Ironic. THIS WASN'T SUPPOSE TO BE THIS WAY!!!! We had retirement dreams, traveling we were going to do. D16 going to college, we're struggling to get her thru high school now.

MY heart is so broken. This will be my first time alone. I do have moments I think how great unexpected things could happen, but right now just that FEAR. What will I do with myself with all this time and no-one to take care of.


I talked to my MIL today and she was very supportive. Talking about how much like his dad he was, (his dad died when he was 3), so just from genetics. My SIL was telling his mom stuff H told her already. FUN!! FUN!!

Any of you have advise on settling money while separated. I think he'll leave me to pay the house payment and all bills since he NOW has his own house to pay for and all. I carry the health insurance and have some bills from my checking account auto-paid. I only work part-time so I'm concerned making ends meet.

I think he'll try to get D16 to live with him so he doesn't have to pay support and wants to watch me SUFFER and go thru more hell. I imagine he'll push me to file, though I've told him he needs to start thinking how he can get me cash out of our equity so we can divide stuff.

So in the future, I imagine he will file or force me to. He wants to use the same lawyer to save money. I told him like it's just a piece of paper and it's never meant anything to him, since he's cheated our entire marriage. So I don't see it keeping him out of the sack with other WOMEN.

Good night, time to face that empty house and my EMPTY heart.

[hurtingagain]

I sobbed all the way home uncontrolably. The pain was so present, was able to get myself together as I got home to the empty house.

Since H took our bedroom set, I slept on the couch. Poured myself a margarita and ate some nut mix, guess I"ll say binged out. Finally tried to sleep around 2 am and woke up hearing D16 came home. Guess an electrician showed up to work at his house, so she came home to shower.

So starts this unwelcome saga called MY LIFE.

I thought thru what I've learned. I'm going to try to ACT AS IF, D16 will be at my house more. I've got to stop feeling that her and her dad conspire against me as they have in the past, though I DO have reason to feel this way. I need to be dependable, upbeat and there for HER.

[mda1229]

Hello hurtingagain


I could feel the pain in your last couple of post, I am sorry...

I've got to stop feeling that her and her dad conspire against me as they have in the past, though I DO have reason to feel this way. I need to be dependable, upbeat and there for HER.

Yep, That is a good reason to try and find the strength to get yourself stronger. I know in my sitch my 2 girls are what has kept me going at times.

[whitelight]

I'm so sorry to hear the challenging stuff going on.

Your H doesn't sound like a very stand up fella. I'm just wondering, what if this was the best thing that ever happened to you?

[oldtimer]

Hi,

I'm sorry you are going through all this. But, to be honest, I am rather shocked at what is going on... I feel like I'm reading stuff from the Dr. Phil Show or something. GET REAL.

Your daughter is an addict. The living conditions in neither household are acceptable. The physical abuse (yes, slapping counts) on your end is NOT OK. The exposure to regular and excessive alcohol and illegal drug use on your H's end is NOT OK. You cannot control your H. You either need to find a different place altogether for D to live or make your own home acceptable. I'm also concerned about your own drinking. In most of your posts, you seem to reference circumstances in which a significant amount of alcohol is involved. Sure, maybe you aren't getting falling down drunk, but 3-4 drinks is enough to put you over the legal limit for driving and to impair your judgment. Neither should be occuring on a regular basis.

You are putting yourself at a significant disadvantage by not retaining legal counsel immediately. H has already used family income for his own purposes and has now taken possession, unopposed, of family property. I'm sure he would very much like to continue in this manner rather than see you receive fair representation.

To be honest, your entertainment costs suggest to me that you do have the money for a lawyer. But, if you don't, you should be able to find one who will work pro bono or with sliding scale rates depending on your needs. I would suggest contact women's centers and shelters in your area or maybe in Indianapolis for names of legal practices that do this kind of private legal aid. You can also check on state requirements for public legal aid.

In the meantime, disentangle your bills immediately. Get yourself off all joint credit cards. Get his name of the phone bill or get your name off and quit paying it, etc...

Step up and start doing what you need to protect your own interests and those of your daughter. Keep up with the support group -- that is an excellent choice! Find other things that improve YOU, and YOUR LIFE. Make yourself happy.

Take care,
Oldtimer

[hurtingagain]

Hind sight is always 20/20. Like I said earlier, I didn't know about 70% of this until Feb/March this year.

I lived with H and he hid so much of himself from me that I really didn't know the extent of his secret life. Also, being an addict himself, he learned to hide things and function so people didn't know. So I won't apoligize for trying to keep my family together. I loved my H and D16. But as we've found out love is not enough. During much of my M, I relied on God to get me thru. Unfortuneately thru my trials, I felt God had given up, too. I know that's not true, but my heart felt it. Just like my heart felt love for my H (though I've been able to see the true him, a loser). As many have, I settled, saying this was my life and try to be strong.

I see I must step up to the plate and be the parent my D16 needs. I'm working on establishing rules in MY house. She has chose to stay at H house the last 4 nights.
Bottom line is I CAN'T control my H or D16 and I'm NOT responsible for their choices. D stinks and this whole situation stinks. I must rely on GOD and will seek HIS guidance because this is bigger than I can handle ALONE.

Thanks for taking time to read and comment!! God Bless....

[hurtingagain]

Met H to get checks today. I was cool and we didn't argue, met at a local mexican restaurant. I'm thinking this may be the last time we eat together. I wish my HEART would catch up with my head, saying it's over. I caught H looking at me a few times longingly and he told me how good I look. Then in next sentence is how soon can we get this over with.

D16 stayed at my house last night. She spent Thur-Sat at H house. Says she'll stay at H house tonight. Anyone with teenagers have any suggestions are best way to work this out. I think D16 doesn't want to hurt either of us by her deciding, so maybe best if we decide???

Any suggestions on selecting an attorney?