IS MY MARRIAGE WORTH SAVING???

[whitelight]

It's more like he wanted me to look into it for him, but I'm not invited.

Really. So what are some other adventurous things that you want to do with or without him? THen decide on one and make it happen!!!!
This will be a great 180 and really make him turn his head! But more importantly, you get to do something you've always wanted to!

[BeingMe]

Sorry to hear about your sitch! You've certainly come to the right place.

From what you have said, I think your H has always been irresponsible and selfish, only now he is more so. For instance, he should not have been smoking pot with your D, and keeping secrets from you with her. In fact, keeping pot in the house is totally irresponsible because what if he had been found out, and ended up in court or worse.

I have to ask .... do you really want this loser? Would you take him back as he is now, or as he was before? He needs some serious help with his pot smoking, and he may even have an addiction to sex. You have to realise that it's not your fault, that you cannot help him. You need to take care of yourself, and your D. You may need to end this M, and find ways of limiting his access to your D. I feel that he has abused his position as a father (even if he hasn't molested her, he has certainly contributed to leading her astray by smoking pot in her company). My goodness! WTF was he thinking?

For now, begin the process of detaching, by not being in contact with him (only about finances or your daughter), get out more often with friends and family, or even on your own - you could join a club, or take up a new sport or hobby. In other words, GAL. Try not to look at his phone records - it'll only upset you, bring you down, and make you feel bad. Just realise you cannot control him, only yourself.

Don't think of the last 24 years as wasted. You gave him your heart, and did your best, and I'm sure there were some happy moments and memories, and it brought you your precious daughter, but don't give him anymore of your time. He is not worth it, IMHO. Certainly not as he is now.

Find a way to protect yourself, financially and legally. Your WAH obviously cannot be trusted, so make sure you take care of your own business, and detach all legal and financial affairs from his. In his irresponsibility, he may overspend, and really get you all into trouble.

Please take care of yourself and your daughter. Be strong! Nothing, even this awful sitch, lasts forever. I will be thinking of you.

[hurtingagain]

For the last 2 weeks, I've not been answering his calls. I don't want to talk to him. He did call Sunday morning around 12:30 am to talk to D, thought he'd called her number, we talked briefly then.

I'm working on detaching. I need this to clear my head & think. I had a good weekend. Saturday, took my aunt out for movie and dinner for her birthday (she's only 7 yrs older). Then Sunday, did decorator home tour with a group of friends.

Tonight, the divorce Care group starts again and will be weekly. The church that host it has a good singles program, so I'd like to check out more outings with them.

It's so strange to have all this time on my hands. Some days I'm not up to doing alot, but am trying to keep busy.
I currently work part-time and hoping to go full time when there's an opening to do so.

Thanks for your advice. As most know, our emotions do a 180 from day to day. I do miss him and the place he had in my life. I'm so ANGRY that he wasn't the person he PRETENDED to be!!!

[hurtingagain]

Still working on detaching. H called yesterday, I let him leave msg and have not returned call. I have resisted checking his cell phone records, though it keeps crossing my mind.

A new session of Divorce Care started last night. It was a good first session with some new members. I'm looking forward to this class weekly and the support. I'm looking to start particpating in the singles group at church, too. My friends are mostly married so hoping to meet some new friends that are single.

Since I work part-time, I have lots of time on my hands with H gone. I hope to go full time soon.

I also wrote a letter to H in my journal that I don't intend to give him saying good bye. I need to focus on ME and GAL, reconnect with GOD again. I know lots of feelings are healing are in my future.

God Bless you all....

[whitelight]

I also wrote a letter to H in my journal that I don't intend to give him saying good bye. I need to focus on ME and GAL, reconnect with GOD again. I know lots of feelings are healing are in my future.

Wow, this is great! I'm glad you have your support group, too. THat will really help! I applaud you for your courageousness!

[hurtingagain]

Our cell bill was way over this month, so I couldn't resist checking H's recent calls. I saw that he is calling OW again. I figured he'd get back with her after I let him know we were over. I also saw my brother's X called him and had a lengthy conversation.

I'm trying to convince myself that I don't WANT to know what he's doing, but it's so hard not to check his cell phone. I previously would drive by his brother's house on my way home from work to see if he was there and have stopped that, but still comes to mind.

I know many on the BB have recommended to STOP. How do you
let it go????? I say I'm done with my M, but still feel this temptation to check on him. WHY? It's not that I want my M to be over, but feel he's shown me he'll always cheat.

He doesn't have email, so can only call him to communicate and I've been avoiding that for last 2 weeks except 1 call. I don't want to hear his voice, but know I can't NOT talk to him forever.

[grasshopper]

Sorry you are going through this.

My only advice is that you need to understand that you either DECIDE to stop snooping and doing the other things that show you are still focused on him now, or it will be stopped in the future because he won't be someone you either can or should check up on.

What I mean is that when you ask how to stop, the answer is simple; just stop. It's that simple, and really, there is no other way to do it. There is no substitute, no patch you can put on to stop the cravings. You have to want to know more about yourself than you do him and when that happens, you will begin to understand why snooping is not really what you need to do. What he is doing is irrelevant to what you are doing or what you need to do. Either you choose to detach on your own or detachment will end up your only option.

When/if he decides to give up this lifestyle and come back to you, you need to be in a position where you can judge his sincerity and decide if you want to give your M another chance. Right now, that is not possible so just turn your attention on you and forget his goings on.

I wish you luck.

GH

[whitelight]

Hey,

Believe me, I understand the urge to want to check things. I haven't in soooo long and yet still in my dreams, I'm going through his cell phone! Yikes.

Here's how I stopped. I told myself that he is insane at the moment, actually not the person I know at all, so it doesn't matter what he's doing.

When they are in mlc, they do do a lot of things that are insane.


Each time you resist you create the habit that you won't check. Maybe make a deal with yourself, I will not check for 3 months at least. Then it's like you can put it off and trick your desire, however after 3 months...who knows..

[hurtingagain]

Well, I've been able to go 2 days without pulling up H cell phone recs.

He called yesterday and left msg that he's closing on his house Wednesday and I needed to be at the closing. He's got the loan in his name, so not sure why I need to be there. He's a builder, he bought a house that had a kitchen fire. He used our money to buy the house and is now getting a mortgage to finish the repairs. I had a consultation with an attorney, who said NOT to sign anything. I won't let him take my name off the deed until we D.

THis week I've been so angry at H and have been writing letters to him expressing this (that I won't give to him). Had C appt yesterday.

Going out with a girlfriend tonight which will be good. Evenings and weekends are hard. I know H is out bar hoping and picking up women or with OW.

[whitelight]

I have a great 180. Don't tell H, but just don't show up to the house thing. Just don't go. Seriously. Won't he be shocked?

Great job not checking the phone records for two days. Now, you're not going to check them this weekend. Just two more days.