IS MY MARRIAGE WORTH SAVING???

[hurtingagain]

HELP!! I've never been so hurt or frustrated in my life.

H 48
W 45
M 23 years together 24
D 16
H moved out 2/18/06, lives with brother


Where do I begin? It's like I'm in my own soap opera!!
What I thought was real, wasn't. It's ALL been a huge lie and I feel so foolish.

History: 3/2004 My H moved out the week we took my D who was 14 then to local stress center for cutting and not able to deal with life behavior. He was moved out when she was released. At that time, there wasn't another woman that I know of. We dated each other during the 4 mos he was moved out and got closer. H moved home a week before my MOM died.

Stress of dealing with our D, 2 businesses and life took us back to kaos.

We scheduled a cruise for D spring break in 2005. The night before we left, D had an overdose. Took her to hospital and left for trip as planned. When we returned, her dad and she got into a terrible fight, she tried to commit suicide.

A week later, we found an adolescent drug rehab program for her and she was there 5 months. We had little contact with her the first 6 weeks, but then saw her twice weekly and had family counseling.


My H uses pot every day and has since the 70's. He was smoking with D when I wasn't around. He was always having secrets they were to keep from mom.

I had the feeling for months that we were hanging by a thread. We were in counseling, then he didn't want to go.
After he moved out 2/18/06, I checked his cell phone records showing the OW phone number appearing for 4-5 months. I found her name and it was someone that he'd known for some time. He kept denying the A, it's just business. He's a builder and she'd come into money and was going to build her 2 houses.

I finally called OW and confirmed the A. H showed no remorse at all.

My D16 finally told one secret, that H had driven her by the land OW was buying to build 2 houses. H and OW were going to live in one and they were going to build D16 her own house. This was in Jan/Feb timeframe before H moved out or I knew anything. So he'd confided in D16 about his plans to be with OW. I'M so FURIOUS of how he plays with my D emotions. She's 16, what is she suppose to do. Be the secret keeper. She's always told me that DAD is different when you're not around. Guess H thought he could be himself with D, but he doesn't have clue how WARPED his mind is.....

He also told D that OW was coming into money. Didn't he remember where our D had been a short year ago????

We had spring break vacation planned before he left and he went with us on that. We had a good time, had sex but I never felt connected to him at all. I understand now that his SOUL was missing, no where to be found.

A few weeks after the trip, we went downtown to walk and stopped at 4 different pubs to have a drink, then walked back to car. I kept asking H when was the first time he'd cheated on me. After 4 hours, he finally answered on our 30 min walk back to the car.

He said it was 3 months after we were married with an old girlfriend that lived in our building. (remember I've been married 23 years). My heart sank and I couldn't believe it. WHO IS THIS MAN? I don't even know him. I feel like our whole life together was a sham, nothing was real. H was always looking for that next gal to bed. And when you're first married, so in love, having sex all the time???

I truly believe HE has big problems. Why did this man get married and why did he live these LIES??

When I began, I wanted to believe we could rekindle our love and start over. MY HOPE has faded.
Can anyone offer any hope, insight.

I need a caring arm to lean on. All my friends are married and no-one truly understands. Sometimes I can't believe I'm still funtioning. I've been in therapy for over 2 years since my D went in rehab.

A little more info. H and OW appear to be on a break. I only saw 5-6 phone calls since our spring break. But I saw that my brother's X called H. They started calling back and forth regularly. They'd always flirted at family functions, their divorce was last fall.

I had lunch with gal that works with H, she said he'd asked if it was immoral for him to be with my brother's X? I'm telling you I don't know this man. YES, I realize he's in MLC, but this is bulls..t..

I wish I could stop looking at his cell phone recs. Last weekend I saw he was calling another girl. He calls his women from around 11 - 3 am. I think he goes out drinking then calls them to see if he can come over and get laid. I can't believe he has calls in this timeframe 3-5 nights a week.


HOPELESS in the midwest

[whitelight]

I am really sorry to hear fo all your pain. THe fact that your H is interested in many women can tell you, it's not you, it's him. Just tell yourself he's insane.

Now, about your Daughter. I'm very concerned. She says that your H acts different when you're not there. And she is cutting herself etc. He tells her things she's not supposed to tell you. I wonder if there's more to this story. I wonder if she's keeping more things to herself than she should.

[kml]

I think Whitelight is trying to ask - could he have molested your daughter?

(Now, mind you, I do NOT buy the theory that every girl who cuts or does drugs or has an eating disorder must have been molested - was definitely NOT the case with my D - BUT, sometimes kids who have been molested will behave this way.)

Ellie

[hurtingagain]

Some more of my sad history. I wanted another child, but H didn't. When my D was 5, we became foster parents. I had good intentions to help a troubled kid.

The first kid they sent was a 13 yr old boy. He molested my daughter. As soon as we found out, boy was gone.

Thanks for your insight. My anger at my H putting D16 in position to keep secrets about OW and H intent to leave and all. A molest victim often is tramatized by the SECRET. My H doesn't get it.

Maybe he's too far gone and my M to be saved???

God says he'll never put us thru more than we can handle. I"ve been to hell and back.

[whitelight]

God is there for you and loves. Please believe me. I will pray for you.

I'm so sorry for the hell you have been put through and are still going through.

[hurtingagain]

On Sat, 4/15 H called, asked me to walk. We left around 2 and went downtown Indy and walked the canal. Then we walked to 5 diffenent places, having a drink and appetizer at different ones. It was a gorgeous day. I'd been in a b**chy mood all week since I'd seen H was calling my brother's X, day after we got home from 15 day vacation.

I playfully asked him when the first time he cheated on me was. At each place he'd try to barter I'll tell if.....
Well after we left the last place and had 20 minute walk to car around 8pm, he told me that he'd cheated 3 mos after we were married with an xGF that live in our apt building. He also told me that night before we got married, friends arranged 2 girls for a orgy. Says he didn't partake, but his friend's sister said he and friend did that often. This is 23 years ago.

I calmly said that if he'd wanted another child, we may never had been foster parents and our D may not have been molested. He stopped and walked in opposite direction. I kept walking to the car and I had the keys. I ended up leaving him downtown. He's still claiming he walked home because he didn't have money, but don't believe him for a second.

Since that episode, I've tried to avoid him. He called a few times this week and I didn't answer or call him back. I did today. He left msg asking how I thought D was doing and I'd said something about if he wanted the bedroom suite.

Well, I wasn't nice and downed him about the money situation. Saying he'd have to come up with some ways to divide our assets, like maybe sell something to get cash. I did see a atty 2 weeks ago, but don't have money for the retainer and just don't know.

I think I need to let my emotions subside before I decide anything. H says he wants the D.

After the trip, it appears that he's not calling OW he was seeing before our trip (at least from his cell phone). But like I said above he's calling my brother's X, which lives an hour away. My brother says H told her, we are OVER.

I can't seem to stop from checking his cell phone recs and see last weekend, that he's calling a new gal. He talked to her over an hour last Saturday at 4 am. Then many other times thru the week. My gut says, he's a slime that has sleeped around our entire 23 yrs. marriage, though I only confirmed the 2 gals. I just think he's someone that can't be faithful and that I should run.

It's hard when you have a child with this stranger person, who, could be in MLC. He keeps saying he wants to take the summer off and spend it in Aslaka. He's 48 and feeling old. Over the last year, he's really been into partying at a bar downtown and frequents it on the weekends.

So here it is Friday night. I tried to setup something with friends, but nothing came thru. The nights and weekends are hard for me. I know he's out screwing around. That's NOT who I am. I thought about this week, I can't remember the last time we slow danced. He's kept his distance for years. For the truth to come out, it hurts.

As a woman, I thought he left that life behind when we married. I was 22 and he was 25, I thought he'd grow up.
Now I just wonder why I wasted 24 years with this man.

[whitelight]

I find it interesting that you think he's in a MLC< cause at the same time, you seem to believe he's been terrible throughout the marriage.

What gives you an indication that he is actually going through a MLC rather than just being the same ole same ole?

[hurtingagain]

In January, he started dieting and doing the treadmill, saying he was going to get down to 200-210 again. Saying if our business sells, he's taking the summer and going to Alaska. That he's tired of working so hard. He just wants to have fun and enjoy life.
\
It's like he's given up on being responsible. We've been thru alot with my D for the last 4 years. I do believe there were times he didn't have much opportunity to cheat. But over the last year, he's wanted to go out to a bar downtown. We went once together, but he was ready to leave by 10. When he goes alone, he doesn't get there until 10, when it gets going. I think he's bottled up alot of emotion with our D situa. He think he wants to feel like a stud, woman wanting him, helps him feel good about himself and he's still got it.

He had to stop smoking pot, while my D was in rehab and I could tell in January that he was, then he finally didn't try to hide it. It's like he doesn't give a s**t about anthing but HIM.

[whitelight]

A SUmmer in ALaska sounds like fun and after years of work, well-deserved. It does sound like your H is in MLC. I'm really very sorry for the pain his womanizing causes you.

If you love him and want ot work things out then...WHat if you did a 180 and bought books on Alaska and actually tried to plan the trip with him?

[hurtingagain]

It's more like he wanted me to look into it for him, but I'm not invited. IT's something we talked about doing in the future before he left.