Ladies: What makes you feel connected?

[built4speed]

I have an assignment from my C. He wants me to talk to women and listen to what make you feel warmth, makes you feel endearingly, makes you have an emotional connection and feel connected to your SO. Of course, I think I already know this, but he's got to be asking me to ask you for a reason, right? Please help me out here. Fire away!

[WCW]

In no order of priority -
a simple touch
a look from across the room
a deep conversation of feelings and emotions
honesty
sincerity
tenderness
trust
make me a priority once in a while
passionate ML to please each other
a simple phone call to say hi

Of course, I think I already know this

b4s, of course, we expect you to report back on what you already know.

[BeingMe]

It's a difficult question to answer ...

For me ...
it's my SO showing an interest in my day ...
or, cuddling with no expectation of having sex, just making me feel he wants to hold me just because he wants to ...
being patient with my foibles ...

so many other things, but these top my list.

[built4speed]

Okay, I'll tell you what types of things I do (that obviously haven't worked well, or I wouldn't be here).

Buy flowers and have them sent to the house for no reason
A kiss good-bye when I leave and hello when I return
Telling her how much fun I had with her the night before
Working off her to-do list (hey, not my idea of showing love, but it is hers - acts of service)
Cuddling on the couch when we watch TV
Date nights for dinner at a nice place
Camping with the kids - she really loves that
Kissing in the kitchen in front of the kids - they get all grossed out - it's so fun!
Hearing about her day, her life, her troubles
The knowing glance
Holding hands
Flirting (with her)
Doing sports together
Talking about how we have the three greatest children who ever lived
Running out to the store to get her favorite ice cream

[Stillalone3]

Maybe we can clone you and we'd all be happy!!

[oldtimer]

Hi,

You are obviously a caring guy and your list is really wonderful. Unfortunately, to be honest, if I wasn't feeling loved, nothing on the list would really do it for me. I'll try to say why...

Nothing really says that you stopped and really thought about me and did something just for me and it was something that only someone who really knows and loves me could do. They are all too easy -- anyone I had just met could pretty much do very similar things for me.

If her thing is acts of service, what is something that she would really love to have done but that is a real hassle and she would never even think to ask you to do?

I'm a gifts person. Flowers can be special, or they might not be. They need to demonstrate real thought *beyond* "wow, I'd love to get something for oldtimer, let me call the florist." How do they become meaningful? By my H choosing a special color, smuggling them into the house, and then putting them in a vase next to the bed without me knowing to surprise me when we go upstairs.

A kiss good-bye and hello is pretty automatic. Sure, it would bother me not to get it, but getting it really doesn't do much for the love tank. A kiss goodbye with a thoughtful or sexy whisper about later in the day will, though.

Telling her something amazing about herself the night before rather than your degree of enjoyment may do wonders.

Being treated really like a date -- car door being opened, eyes stared into, flirted with, feeling like H is proud to be seen with me, going to someplace he put some thought into... it doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant, it could be shooting pool, it could be a nice walk and a picnic... again, the big thing here is the throughtfulness/attentiveness/consideration that CANNOT be an automatic. Dinner at a nice place can be set up by your secretary.

Camping with kids, kissing in the kitchen in front of kids, and talking about how wonderful the kids are all sound wonderful, but about bonding as a family not as a romantic couple.

Instead of hearing about my day, what does it for me is for H to ask me something specific about my day -- it shows he remembered what I planned to do and is wondering how whatever it was went for me. Again, it shows his particular knowledge of me and interest and concern. Any lonely guy on the bus can ask me about my day.

Holding hands YES, but only if you are attentive to the sensation and generating real interaction. Holding one hand and stroking her fingers gently with the other hand. Circling her palm, giving a gentle squeeze. Holding her hand in a very aware, sensual, concsious manner in which you really feel the connection.

Running to the store for ice cream -- would depend. It would need to be alot like an ideal flower gift for this to do anything for me. Some kind of context in which it was a particularly thoughtful action that showed you were really all about me at that moment.

Doing sports together would again depend on context. But good experiences here are definitely great things. A regularly scheduled thing to be checked off the days list (like going to the gym) might not get much mileage for you. But, even that can be a shared project that really does build intimacy.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Like I said, you have a wonderful list, but if you are looking for things that really make me feel loved by my partner and deeply connected, for me anyway they'd all need to be taken a step further to demonstrate a certain kind of considerate loving that only someone who cares deeply about me could share.

Best,
oldtimer

[built4speed]

Wow, great feedback! My C commented that I need to do things to make W feel nurtured, and that my list was a bit too much about doing things rather than creating feelings. So I do have a lot to work on, especially since we are in a state of S, many of these things are not received in a way most people would expect. A sexy whisper about how we might do something next year got me a terrible dirty look just this week. And asking specifics about her day got me accused of "tracking" her. But I get your drift.

Early in our M I got in big trouble for spending $80 on a dozen long-stemmed roses. It took me several years and the birth of my first-born to buy her flowers again. Even when things were good, this was a minefield. She's from an alcoholic and mentally ill family and things that most people would really melt over often got me, well let's just say, sub-optimal responses. But I'm still trying!

Thanks again for the feedback, I will take it to heart.

[Soxfan2008]

just a thought here, but it could be the $80 and not the flowers.

My H spending $3 on a single rose vs. $80 on a dozen is more thoughtful to me. I hate the wasteful spending on things that will die.

I'm still trying to think about what makes me feel nutured. It's been so long.

It's usually taking the time and effort to do something- what ever the something is.

[Nevanna]

I'll make a plug for an excellent book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Basically, it says there are five basics ways a person feels loved--physical touch (nonsexual), words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and quality time.

My primary is physical touch, with a close tie in second for quality time and words of affirmation. Indicentally, the other two--AOS and gifts--don't do so much for me.

More specifically, I love cuddling on the couch and watching movies. I also really enjoy in depth conversations with DH. Also running errands. It sounds silly, but we both enjoy the driving around, listening to music, and chatting. I also enjoy waking up slowly with him on the weekends, when neither of us has to rush off to work, and we can just enjoy each other's company for awhile.

Hope it helps.

[xuesheng]

I've still got to get that book. One of the few that is not in my love education library. But taking a pretty educated stab at it I'd guess my wife responds best to Words of affirmation and quality time.

She does a lot of acts of service and I understand that is a big clue that words of affirmation are her thing.

When she dropped the bomb she said we don't spend time together (we're with each other 24 x 7) and we don't talk.

That has changed. Trying for little bits of quality time and slipping in some words of affirmation I believe is what got me to where I am now (other than really working on myself)

Xue