DEINAL: He was in strong denial at first, when he opened his eyes and heart to the fact that the M and W that he held in such high hopes in his heart were really a sham. He thought I was a fraud. He thought our M was horrible. When he faced it, he went back into denial about his anger.
WITHDRAWAL: He is in strong withdrawal from family and friends. He has a totally new set of friends now. No one he is public about.
ANGER: Well, that's where he's at now.
REPLAY: Yep, that's where he's at now....the whole sleeping with other women all over again. Searching for fun and self-medicating.
He is a totally different person than who I married, unless the person I married was totally false. When he popped out for a bit, he even said, he felt he was a totally different person. NOW, he's back in again. Weird. I guess that's replay. After facing intense depression and anger, he's back into it again.
He also is classic MLC in the fact that he's doubting why he ever got married, how he put up with a miserable M,
When I asked why he slept with another woman, he said it was because he was being rebellious to being married.
He has also stated, again and again, that he wants to be single.
I feel I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to call and say that he's through and wants a D. For the first time, today, I realized that I don't have a limit to what I can forgive with him, or am I just hanging onto something because I'm too weak to move on, too low-self esteem. That's another thing that H is suffering from, low SE. Fear of abandonment.
I honestly DO think he hates me, has no good memories of me (yet, he said he started to again, and started to feel love again, WHY DO THIS NOW???) He feels like the hurt person running away from the monster...free at last. I can understand that. Like the kid running away from an abusive parent (his parents WERE abusive, and has a lot to play with this too).
OK, I have nothing I can do here. I am letting go. This time, for real, and for a LONG time. This may take years, and until then, I am focusing on me and my life. He is in a weird state now, and needs to climb out of this on his own. I can't do anything to help, nor do I want to. I will live my life. And I might even date.
The thing that makes me think that he's in a state, is that I think that if he were really over me, then I don't think he would be "acting out" like this....he would just be calm, be himself, and not need to engage in rebellious behavior.
Until then, I am also worried about myself. I am so traumatized right now, I don't know if I can recover from this. It still hits me like a ton of bricks. I can't believe it's happening. It's so unreal.
Then I blame myself. If I had been a better W, then this wouldn't have happened. But, I think in ways it HAD to. For me to WAKE up and not go on the rest of my life like my mother (who acts like I did in the M), and I think this "snapping" was in H....he was always capable of it...and I think it was gonna come out sooner or later.
I also think that in our M, I did a lot of good. Not all bad. I think that if person cannot forgive, and needs to walk away forever, then our M would not have been strong enough for anything. Oh well.
Only fate and God will tell. For some reason, I feel so LOW today, but I still feel that things are not over. I have no idea why. I keep waiting to feel like it's over, but I can't seem to. I do feel that I finally realize this is more serious and deep and uncontrollable than I thought.
