Not a good day. Emotions are all over the place. Also, I found that H is back to text messaging someone regularly and frequently. Also, he's taking large sums of money out of the account again, as before. I think things are back on with OW or someone else.
I cannot do this anymore. I really can't. Especially after what I thought was his sincere effort to stop everything, that it wasn't him, he was lost, running away, etc. Then back again, just because he's mad at me. He said that letting go of those things were what helped him to face his pain and love, but now he's back. How can I believe him?
I know that I can reach and be compassionate for him, that this is painful and the A was an 'addiction' that he uses to soothe the pain, all that crap. Sure, I can say that, or I am I just kidding myself, and being stupid? I think I am. He knew that it was an addiction, and he has the willpower to stop things, and he doesn't want to....which means one thing. I think he's made up his mind for a D, is stalling telling me because it's painful and hard (he is a champ at avoiding hard things) and is back to the A.
Either way, I don't think I can do this anymore...even if it does seem to work out in the future. Too much messiness....too much to understand and excuse. Too much pain. Too much that I just can't trust anymore. I don't know this person anymore, and he doesn't want to change.
Maybe I should wake up and see the signs and get smart.
