A New Phase

[WCW]

(((A14))) I hope as well that he is processing his thoughts and dealing with himself in a productive way that benefits you and him. Don't let your hormones get to you too bad, take an extra deep breath.

[Mamabear]

Always, I'm here and have been reading your posts, just haven't had much time to respond. Hormones wreak havoc on my emotions too. Take a deep breath. Practice acceptance for the things that happened in your marriage that you cannot go back and change, tolerance for the limbo you are in, detachment, forgiveness for your H and yourself, compassion and generosity.

Remember, things take time. Persevere. The only way you can fail is to give up.

[cat03]

I do agree with the mars-venus books on the description of women being like waves, guess you were on the down side A14, I pray that you have rebounded and have fresh energy for a new day, thanks for your post on my thread)))))))

[always_14]

Not a good day. Emotions are all over the place. Also, I found that H is back to text messaging someone regularly and frequently. Also, he's taking large sums of money out of the account again, as before. I think things are back on with OW or someone else.

I cannot do this anymore. I really can't. Especially after what I thought was his sincere effort to stop everything, that it wasn't him, he was lost, running away, etc. Then back again, just because he's mad at me. He said that letting go of those things were what helped him to face his pain and love, but now he's back. How can I believe him?

I know that I can reach and be compassionate for him, that this is painful and the A was an 'addiction' that he uses to soothe the pain, all that crap. Sure, I can say that, or I am I just kidding myself, and being stupid? I think I am. He knew that it was an addiction, and he has the willpower to stop things, and he doesn't want to....which means one thing. I think he's made up his mind for a D, is stalling telling me because it's painful and hard (he is a champ at avoiding hard things) and is back to the A.

Either way, I don't think I can do this anymore...even if it does seem to work out in the future. Too much messiness....too much to understand and excuse. Too much pain. Too much that I just can't trust anymore. I don't know this person anymore, and he doesn't want to change.

Maybe I should wake up and see the signs and get smart.

[WCW]

Facts girl, what are the facts? What do you know for sure? There are txt messages and large sums of money. Suspicious? you bet. Conclusive? no way. Maybe something went wrong at home and he had to have money to have it fixed.

Have you done anything to protect yourself financially? do you have separate accounts? Your H has gone dark, said don't contact me, and you're holed up being a good little Always waiting for him to pull his head out of his a$$. Get tough woman!!!! Take a chunk of money for yourself from the account. Do lots of phone calls and txt messaging, want my number??? Start dropping innocent rumors to mutual friends that will get back to H, but be careful to make sure you can explain the truth if it comes to that. Go back to the house and take posession of items, leave some blank spots on the walls. Shake him up!! shock his socks off!

And of course, from where I am, it is easier to say this to you than to do it myself. Just look at both sides and be certain of how you proceed.

[pregnant&DBing]

Dear always,

I would post some "enlightening" thoughts to you, but I know by the time you read this, you will have regained your center.

Continue being the water, dear. Let things roll over you. You're bigger and better than those problems. Hang in there.

[always_14]

This morning, found 2 charges on the bank account. One for a restaurant, and had to be more than 1 person, and a hotel charge.

This is it. H has said so many times that he wants to be single, and I think this is it. I think he is ready to tell me that he wants a D.

Also, I cannot keep doing this. He said he was through, and now he's back at it again. I can't keep up with this.

I feel like the floor has fallen out from under me today.

For some bizarre reason, I still want him. I think it's just shock and habit.

I have lost all hope that he wants this. I think he is so angry right now and so wanting to be single.

I am so confused, things seemed to come around for a little bit....

He hates me so badly. I don't think he'll ever change his opinion of me.

I don't know what to do.

PLEASE HELP---ANYONE. For the first time in all of this, I feel that I am hanging by a thread and all hope is lost, and I am done. I feel like this is over.

[Mamabear]

Oh Sweetie, I know how bad this sucks. Don't give up!! It is so much easier to DB when things are going good.

As for the charges, am I correct to assume that you both have full time jobs? If so, why don't you suggest to your H that you guys seperate your money - is this a viable option?

As for your H, don't assume that he hates you and wants a divorce. He is confused and f^&ked up right now. He is self medicating and trying desparetly to run away. Is it possible that he is suffering from MLC?

GH started a LBS book club thread, wander over and check it out, you might find something to read that can help you to cope.

Hang in there!!

[WCW]

(((A14))) This is tough, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with.

He seems to not be secretive about his spending and what he does, it is very easy for you to find this information. If he's not hiding it, why not?

Where are you - physically? are you staying in a pleasant atmosphere that helps you stay positive?

Only you know if you can do more, or if you are done. Let your emotions settle down before you decide anything. If you want a shoulder email me at cunningcowgirl @ yahoo.com.

[always_14]

Yes, I now think this is definately MLC.

DEINAL: He was in strong denial at first, when he opened his eyes and heart to the fact that the M and W that he held in such high hopes in his heart were really a sham. He thought I was a fraud. He thought our M was horrible. When he faced it, he went back into denial about his anger.

WITHDRAWAL: He is in strong withdrawal from family and friends. He has a totally new set of friends now. No one he is public about.

ANGER: Well, that's where he's at now.

REPLAY: Yep, that's where he's at now....the whole sleeping with other women all over again. Searching for fun and self-medicating.

He is a totally different person than who I married, unless the person I married was totally false. When he popped out for a bit, he even said, he felt he was a totally different person. NOW, he's back in again. Weird. I guess that's replay. After facing intense depression and anger, he's back into it again.

He also is classic MLC in the fact that he's doubting why he ever got married, how he put up with a miserable M,

When I asked why he slept with another woman, he said it was because he was being rebellious to being married.

He has also stated, again and again, that he wants to be single.

I feel I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to call and say that he's through and wants a D. For the first time, today, I realized that I don't have a limit to what I can forgive with him, or am I just hanging onto something because I'm too weak to move on, too low-self esteem. That's another thing that H is suffering from, low SE. Fear of abandonment.

I honestly DO think he hates me, has no good memories of me (yet, he said he started to again, and started to feel love again, WHY DO THIS NOW???) He feels like the hurt person running away from the monster...free at last. I can understand that. Like the kid running away from an abusive parent (his parents WERE abusive, and has a lot to play with this too).

OK, I have nothing I can do here. I am letting go. This time, for real, and for a LONG time. This may take years, and until then, I am focusing on me and my life. He is in a weird state now, and needs to climb out of this on his own. I can't do anything to help, nor do I want to. I will live my life. And I might even date.

The thing that makes me think that he's in a state, is that I think that if he were really over me, then I don't think he would be "acting out" like this....he would just be calm, be himself, and not need to engage in rebellious behavior.

Until then, I am also worried about myself. I am so traumatized right now, I don't know if I can recover from this. It still hits me like a ton of bricks. I can't believe it's happening. It's so unreal.

Then I blame myself. If I had been a better W, then this wouldn't have happened. But, I think in ways it HAD to. For me to WAKE up and not go on the rest of my life like my mother (who acts like I did in the M), and I think this "snapping" was in H....he was always capable of it...and I think it was gonna come out sooner or later.

I also think that in our M, I did a lot of good. Not all bad. I think that if person cannot forgive, and needs to walk away forever, then our M would not have been strong enough for anything. Oh well.

Only fate and God will tell. For some reason, I feel so LOW today, but I still feel that things are not over. I have no idea why. I keep waiting to feel like it's over, but I can't seem to. I do feel that I finally realize this is more serious and deep and uncontrollable than I thought.