Thanks, Betsey....I pray that he finds peace through this, regardless of the outcome of our M. I would like this to be a time that he moves through his pain and doesn't carry that forward in his life, whether we stay married or not....I feel sad for my actions.
Though the limbo is hard, it's been great. I went to the apt. this morning to pick up some more stuff, and it was not a nice reaction. I looked at our bed, the kitchen and other things, and I had NO desire to be there again, anytime soon. Too many memories of 'acting as if' while the A was on, too many horrible memories that make that place not seem like home. I have so many confused feelings now, and it would be impossible for me to simply go back to regular life with H, I feel that we are so far apart now....would be hard to sleep beside him, cook dinner and go on outings with this confused state of limbo between us. I did that for nearly 1 year and it's worn me down. Now that I'm out, I can't go back.
I think, if things go back, I need space....a longer separation, where we may date and get to know each other again, with a beginner's mind. There is a lot that each of us need to forget and forgive and learn to see the other person without a filter of pain and anger, but rather with forgiveness and positive potential. I don't want that tainting my M anymore. Neither does H. That's what he means by 'blind love.' I'm grateful that he doesn't want this as status quo either. At least we have a good goal to work toward.
We need to get our own lives, build better memories, together and alone. It's so counter-intuitive, but the best thing now. I feel that things have fallen so apart, that it's gonna need this 'start from scratch' approach if things work out. Frankly, I think it's what H would want as well.
Until then, I need to work on finding clarity in my thoughts as well. Taking time to honor the experiences I went through and letting the changes I've made settle....we both need the space to respect what we've been through.
Finding the love again will be the toughest part. I feel it at times, I know H does too, but it's so buried right now. The work will be in peeling the layers back, if we can.
