Had a nice time at the festival with friend. Out of nowhere, I was really sad and depressed about the M sitch this entire weekend. Mixed emotions. Felt all my guilt of how I acted in our M, H's pain, regret, all come pouring down on my head again....I have always felt these things, but it felt terrible. I didn't try to stop these emotions, I need/want to feel them, it's part of MY metamorphosis.
Also, I feel oddly at peace with H's not calling. 15 Days in the Dark so far....really, it's OK. I feel peaceful knowing that he's taking this time to face his anger and pain. I would wait a long time to make sure he was healed. I realized how much I love H, deeply, as a friend and human, and how I wish nothing but the best for him. I also started to think that this may be so painful for H that recomciliation may not be possible...sometimes in life you don't get a second chance....that hurt, and is still hard to think about, but I wasn't mad at H at realizing that, Just sad for him that I hurt someone so badly....I also thought of my pain, my hurt, and faced that as well. It's so tempered, because I can't ever think of things H did without thinking of what I did. It doesn't take the pain away, but it stops me from feeling furious just for myself. It's nice to have this empathy and self-awareness.
I realized that the 8 months during this stress that we were living together I made LOTS of changes. But, it was mostly in the guise of detachment and real change. I started to get deep with a lot of things, but the stress of acting as if each day and detaching didn't really let me dig deep to real things that are part of my every day, and behaviors I STILL have. What are these?
* PA behaviors * Putting walls up and being rude or PA or closing down * Not trusting H's love and the things he does (assuming they are obligation) * Oh, lots of others I'm sure.
I also realized, this weekend, that H and I have the same issues here.
* Fear that we won't truly be forgiven for our sins by the other. I'm afraid that H will always see me as the "old" me and never really have the "blind love" that he says he wants but cannot. He is afraid that I will never forget the pain of an A, and that since I had the awful habit in the past about throwing things in his face later, that it will crop up again. He is afraid that I will never see him capable of good, expect only the best and always trust. That I will forever hang him for his sins in my mind and actions. He can't prove himself to someone not willing to forgive/forget. I understand that...it's the SAME fear I have with H. He has a habit of hating people who do him wrong and they are 100% in the wrong....so I'm afraid that I'm clumped into the same category, never to truly be given a second chance.
* Fear that the other person will hurt us again. I am afraid that H will cheat again, if things get tough, or if he finds someone to fulfill a need that I don't give. I am afraid that subconsciously, some part of me will always be "on the lookout" for things.... H is afraid that I will keep my temper and self under control, but that it's still there, latent, and ready to explode. He's afraid that I will resent changing. He is afraid that I am still the same person. To that I say: I blew only when you admitted to the A (wrong reaction)....but, many things happened for MONTHS and I was still the same NEW me as before....I didn't lose it, so nothing will take me back to that again. I will get angry, but it will not be a part of our M or me anymore.
* We're both afraid that we're now unloveable. We're afraid that we ruined the other person's life. We're sad for all the damage, wasted time, and pain we caused the other and our M. We're sad at the wreckage.
* We're both questioning whether we can pull this off if reconciliation is the route we go--are we strong enough to do this? Are we too damaged? Can we truly rebuild a healthy M? Can we revert from such bad behaviors? Can we get to core issues? Some days, things seem so screwed up I really have no idea how things will get better from here...let alone get to a wonderful M. But, I still keep trying, b/c it doesn't feel right to quit.
* We're both afraid that we can't get that "feeling" back.
* We're both afraid that we just don't make the other person happy anymore. We've lived, each of us in different ways, with perceptions for so long that we don't make the other person happy. These are real and assumed perceptions, but tough barriers in our mind, nonetheless. Ex: though said in anger, H said he was miserable in our M, and I was a worthless W. It's gonna be hard for me to truly believe that I make him happy, as I used to (thinking back to those joyful days seems so unreal that such a time existed). Likewise, he's given up that he can make me happy
Other news, got the phone bill today and found that H has started texting someone pretty regularly...he had stopped after he ended the A stuff (with teh FF with nothing really physical), back in beginning of May. Who knows who this other person is....I didn't get angry, but felt so beat down and exhausted. I don't know if I have it in me to fight another A/OW--especially when he indicated that those things in his life were over. On the other hand, I don't know who this person is, or what things are....I know that right now, talking to friends is really helping, so if this is a person he reaches out to in a time of pain, then I am happy.
Ugh, feeling kinda low and tired today....just so tired. BUT, oddly peaceful and not anxious about his call or when things will get better. I have NO CONTROL. All I can do is sit and wait....it's his turn to take the lead....it's what I want, and also what he wants to gain his power, respect and role back in our M. So, I feel peaceful in this state....who knows what's brewing, only time will tell. Until then, I will continue to reflect and committ to changes in ME.
