Thanks for the remdinders Mama...you're right on track with how I've been feeling lately.
A few new things for me recently.
* Not feeling too down or high. Just even keel, which feels strange. Every once in a while it hits me that life is so ABnormal right now, but it's OK. * Getting some good time with friends lately, who have been wonderful to maintain me at a good level. * I find myself reaching out to certain friends on the phone and in person to vent and just track where I am....this is so healthy as the last 8 months I talked to NO ONE except here on the boards. * I'm starting to enter a new phase, where I feel my negative and positive feelings toward H are not mutually exclusive, hence th roller coaster (of course, it's still a coaster). I can get in touch with my pain/anger at H AND my compassion and love for him at the same time. That feels REAL, and nice. * I'm not so panicked now about this 'waiting' game....I feel pretty peaceful about the whole thing. I find myself not expecting 'THE' call and not expecting it and being at peace with this period. I respect that this is space that H (and I) needed right now, and this period of anger is good for him. I am actually grateful for it. Last night it occurred to me that if he jumped back into "us" after admitting to the A, which he did for 1 day, it would be weird...sorta like he wasn't taking time to sit and digest and think....just jumping to another source of external happiness...now ME. That would be doomed, and glad he didn't want me to be that for him. Also, he would have all these pent up feelings and anger, unleashed. Also, I want him to CHOOSE me and US, not to just fall back on it, or to be unsure....this takes time, because it's real, unlike the A, which was easy and disposable. * I'm trying to take this time to work on me, reflect on the past, face my pain and my guilt and my issues, which are legitimate. I'm trying to see the things in myself that I still have yet to change, as spurred by some threads here on teh BB (passive aggresiveness, forgiveness (or UNforgiveness, not treating H like a criminal, celebrating love). I wonder where it all went wrong, and wish I could do it all over, but I will do the best thing in my power now, which is to make now forward different. I have to be at this peaceful state too, to be true to myself now as well...and not just jump into things b/c H wants to. This space has been so good for me to settle my strung out emotions the last 8 months....I have never felt so even emotions in a while and it seems weird. So much has happened, and I feel that I have been pushing it back with detachment and coping that now I'm facing things, and letting them have their say in my heart/mind and then figuring out how to settle them down to reality. * I'm not seeing H has a criminal anymore, less so anyway. I'm trying to forgive, but it's still big. And that's OK. I don't have to just swallow everything immediately. But, I see H has just a man who makes mistakes too and capable of great thigns and deserving of forgiveness, just as I seek. * I'm trying to forgive myself, and not to dwell in regret too much, although I do.
Went back to the apt. today to pick up some more stuff. Felt like a criminal, also felt intensely sad, and something else I haven't felt in a LONG time, which was actually MISS H. It was weird seeing his things there, his life, and I actually felt his pain, his anger, his struggle now, and when I left, I had a new appreciation for this separation. I want to let him be, to be grateful for his needs and respect it. Also had a dream the other night where I met another man, was having a wonderful time, no thoughts of H, then, in one moment, while I was waiting for this other man, I remembered H, memories came flooding, and I missed him intensely...again, not something I felt in a long time.....that longing. I guess that's good.
I'm also thinking a lot about my own walls, invisible even to me, that hinder me from real change or progress. Small things I do to close myself off. I want to be more aware of them, because when we talk next, I would like to work on bringing those down, just for my own sake as well. I didn't used to be like that, and I don't want to be like that.
Gonna have a great weekend....going to a festival with a dear friend, and we'll have a wild time, no doubt. The next few weekends are packed with fun.....H and I have a wedding coming up that we're supposed to go to.....if I don't hear from him in the next 2 weeks, I will have to contact him regarding that, still wondering how I should go about that.
Funny, I felt intense fear when I walked into the apt. today, and i asked myself of what: I expected to find either my stuff, or H's stuff, packed up or cleaned or 'organized'....or SOME symbol that it was 'ending.' and I didn't. That was nice.
Funny also, feels like all the changes I've made in the last 8 months or so has been adding the ingredients, shopping for them, prepping them....but with the tension of being in the M all these months, things didn't REALLY cook and settle....now, with lack of that stress and tension, I feel that these changes are more conscious, more controlled, more permanent and settled.
I think this weekend I will try to look in the paper to find more permanent living....not staying in a hotel. Who knows what the future holds, but at this point, even I would like 3-4 months apart, to do things slowly, if that's the direction we head in. Plus, I kinda like my single life!
