You are amazing. If joy and happiness are what you seek, and it can be measured by what you provide to others just by who you are, then your cup runneth over. As always, I am grateful for your sharing, your wisdom, your willngness to inquire, one more time, again and again.
Quote: I'm trying to envision myself as a woman that I can love and forgive.
You are doing a great job. Your patience will be rewarded, I have no doubt. Thanks for being here
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Always, good job on the PMA. It's ok that H has not been in contact with you, he needs to work things out for himself BUT if you want to call him to see how he is doing I say go for it, there should be no harm in that.
Keep on working on you and try to remember, as I am also working on, that you are not a victim and H is not a criminal. You are just two people who got off track. Surround yourself with friends and family and good times for that is what is really important in life
always14, I read your posts and it's like you are writing what I feel, I need so much strenght right now, maybe it's mostly the PMS but i'm feeling so emotional now it's unbelievable. I also have this hidden fear that one day he'll just say "you know, this isnt' just working, I tried but I don't feel anything", that is waiting until I help him pay the huge debt he got into when we was away. I also dont' see any results to my self-improvements or nurturing.
and tomorrow is another day...
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks for the remdinders Mama...you're right on track with how I've been feeling lately.
A few new things for me recently.
* Not feeling too down or high. Just even keel, which feels strange. Every once in a while it hits me that life is so ABnormal right now, but it's OK. * Getting some good time with friends lately, who have been wonderful to maintain me at a good level. * I find myself reaching out to certain friends on the phone and in person to vent and just track where I am....this is so healthy as the last 8 months I talked to NO ONE except here on the boards. * I'm starting to enter a new phase, where I feel my negative and positive feelings toward H are not mutually exclusive, hence th roller coaster (of course, it's still a coaster). I can get in touch with my pain/anger at H AND my compassion and love for him at the same time. That feels REAL, and nice. * I'm not so panicked now about this 'waiting' game....I feel pretty peaceful about the whole thing. I find myself not expecting 'THE' call and not expecting it and being at peace with this period. I respect that this is space that H (and I) needed right now, and this period of anger is good for him. I am actually grateful for it. Last night it occurred to me that if he jumped back into "us" after admitting to the A, which he did for 1 day, it would be weird...sorta like he wasn't taking time to sit and digest and think....just jumping to another source of external happiness...now ME. That would be doomed, and glad he didn't want me to be that for him. Also, he would have all these pent up feelings and anger, unleashed. Also, I want him to CHOOSE me and US, not to just fall back on it, or to be unsure....this takes time, because it's real, unlike the A, which was easy and disposable. * I'm trying to take this time to work on me, reflect on the past, face my pain and my guilt and my issues, which are legitimate. I'm trying to see the things in myself that I still have yet to change, as spurred by some threads here on teh BB (passive aggresiveness, forgiveness (or UNforgiveness, not treating H like a criminal, celebrating love). I wonder where it all went wrong, and wish I could do it all over, but I will do the best thing in my power now, which is to make now forward different. I have to be at this peaceful state too, to be true to myself now as well...and not just jump into things b/c H wants to. This space has been so good for me to settle my strung out emotions the last 8 months....I have never felt so even emotions in a while and it seems weird. So much has happened, and I feel that I have been pushing it back with detachment and coping that now I'm facing things, and letting them have their say in my heart/mind and then figuring out how to settle them down to reality. * I'm not seeing H has a criminal anymore, less so anyway. I'm trying to forgive, but it's still big. And that's OK. I don't have to just swallow everything immediately. But, I see H has just a man who makes mistakes too and capable of great thigns and deserving of forgiveness, just as I seek. * I'm trying to forgive myself, and not to dwell in regret too much, although I do.
Went back to the apt. today to pick up some more stuff. Felt like a criminal, also felt intensely sad, and something else I haven't felt in a LONG time, which was actually MISS H. It was weird seeing his things there, his life, and I actually felt his pain, his anger, his struggle now, and when I left, I had a new appreciation for this separation. I want to let him be, to be grateful for his needs and respect it. Also had a dream the other night where I met another man, was having a wonderful time, no thoughts of H, then, in one moment, while I was waiting for this other man, I remembered H, memories came flooding, and I missed him intensely...again, not something I felt in a long time.....that longing. I guess that's good.
I'm also thinking a lot about my own walls, invisible even to me, that hinder me from real change or progress. Small things I do to close myself off. I want to be more aware of them, because when we talk next, I would like to work on bringing those down, just for my own sake as well. I didn't used to be like that, and I don't want to be like that.
Gonna have a great weekend....going to a festival with a dear friend, and we'll have a wild time, no doubt. The next few weekends are packed with fun.....H and I have a wedding coming up that we're supposed to go to.....if I don't hear from him in the next 2 weeks, I will have to contact him regarding that, still wondering how I should go about that.
Funny, I felt intense fear when I walked into the apt. today, and i asked myself of what: I expected to find either my stuff, or H's stuff, packed up or cleaned or 'organized'....or SOME symbol that it was 'ending.' and I didn't. That was nice.
Funny also, feels like all the changes I've made in the last 8 months or so has been adding the ingredients, shopping for them, prepping them....but with the tension of being in the M all these months, things didn't REALLY cook and settle....now, with lack of that stress and tension, I feel that these changes are more conscious, more controlled, more permanent and settled.
I think this weekend I will try to look in the paper to find more permanent living....not staying in a hotel. Who knows what the future holds, but at this point, even I would like 3-4 months apart, to do things slowly, if that's the direction we head in. Plus, I kinda like my single life!
Had a nice time at the festival with friend. Out of nowhere, I was really sad and depressed about the M sitch this entire weekend. Mixed emotions. Felt all my guilt of how I acted in our M, H's pain, regret, all come pouring down on my head again....I have always felt these things, but it felt terrible. I didn't try to stop these emotions, I need/want to feel them, it's part of MY metamorphosis.
Also, I feel oddly at peace with H's not calling. 15 Days in the Dark so far....really, it's OK. I feel peaceful knowing that he's taking this time to face his anger and pain. I would wait a long time to make sure he was healed. I realized how much I love H, deeply, as a friend and human, and how I wish nothing but the best for him. I also started to think that this may be so painful for H that recomciliation may not be possible...sometimes in life you don't get a second chance....that hurt, and is still hard to think about, but I wasn't mad at H at realizing that, Just sad for him that I hurt someone so badly....I also thought of my pain, my hurt, and faced that as well. It's so tempered, because I can't ever think of things H did without thinking of what I did. It doesn't take the pain away, but it stops me from feeling furious just for myself. It's nice to have this empathy and self-awareness.
I realized that the 8 months during this stress that we were living together I made LOTS of changes. But, it was mostly in the guise of detachment and real change. I started to get deep with a lot of things, but the stress of acting as if each day and detaching didn't really let me dig deep to real things that are part of my every day, and behaviors I STILL have. What are these?
* PA behaviors * Putting walls up and being rude or PA or closing down * Not trusting H's love and the things he does (assuming they are obligation) * Oh, lots of others I'm sure.
I also realized, this weekend, that H and I have the same issues here.
* Fear that we won't truly be forgiven for our sins by the other. I'm afraid that H will always see me as the "old" me and never really have the "blind love" that he says he wants but cannot. He is afraid that I will never forget the pain of an A, and that since I had the awful habit in the past about throwing things in his face later, that it will crop up again. He is afraid that I will never see him capable of good, expect only the best and always trust. That I will forever hang him for his sins in my mind and actions. He can't prove himself to someone not willing to forgive/forget. I understand that...it's the SAME fear I have with H. He has a habit of hating people who do him wrong and they are 100% in the wrong....so I'm afraid that I'm clumped into the same category, never to truly be given a second chance.
* Fear that the other person will hurt us again. I am afraid that H will cheat again, if things get tough, or if he finds someone to fulfill a need that I don't give. I am afraid that subconsciously, some part of me will always be "on the lookout" for things.... H is afraid that I will keep my temper and self under control, but that it's still there, latent, and ready to explode. He's afraid that I will resent changing. He is afraid that I am still the same person. To that I say: I blew only when you admitted to the A (wrong reaction)....but, many things happened for MONTHS and I was still the same NEW me as before....I didn't lose it, so nothing will take me back to that again. I will get angry, but it will not be a part of our M or me anymore.
* We're both afraid that we're now unloveable. We're afraid that we ruined the other person's life. We're sad for all the damage, wasted time, and pain we caused the other and our M. We're sad at the wreckage.
* We're both questioning whether we can pull this off if reconciliation is the route we go--are we strong enough to do this? Are we too damaged? Can we truly rebuild a healthy M? Can we revert from such bad behaviors? Can we get to core issues? Some days, things seem so screwed up I really have no idea how things will get better from here...let alone get to a wonderful M. But, I still keep trying, b/c it doesn't feel right to quit.
* We're both afraid that we can't get that "feeling" back.
* We're both afraid that we just don't make the other person happy anymore. We've lived, each of us in different ways, with perceptions for so long that we don't make the other person happy. These are real and assumed perceptions, but tough barriers in our mind, nonetheless. Ex: though said in anger, H said he was miserable in our M, and I was a worthless W. It's gonna be hard for me to truly believe that I make him happy, as I used to (thinking back to those joyful days seems so unreal that such a time existed). Likewise, he's given up that he can make me happy
Other news, got the phone bill today and found that H has started texting someone pretty regularly...he had stopped after he ended the A stuff (with teh FF with nothing really physical), back in beginning of May. Who knows who this other person is....I didn't get angry, but felt so beat down and exhausted. I don't know if I have it in me to fight another A/OW--especially when he indicated that those things in his life were over. On the other hand, I don't know who this person is, or what things are....I know that right now, talking to friends is really helping, so if this is a person he reaches out to in a time of pain, then I am happy.
Ugh, feeling kinda low and tired today....just so tired. BUT, oddly peaceful and not anxious about his call or when things will get better. I have NO CONTROL. All I can do is sit and wait....it's his turn to take the lead....it's what I want, and also what he wants to gain his power, respect and role back in our M. So, I feel peaceful in this state....who knows what's brewing, only time will tell. Until then, I will continue to reflect and committ to changes in ME.
Day 16--no contact. Really, it's not that bad. Though, this morning, I woke up feeling very sad, hopeless, and facing my pain and letting it flow through me. Not a good day for it, as I have a lot at work today, but it has to come out. I think it's also a very hormonal time of month. Not much else to report by just a lot of thinking, reflecting and getting emotions out.
On days like this, it's hard to pick myself up and hold my heart high....it seems like a road that will never lead to somewhere happy. Funny, I don't see the bright side, but I can't seem to stop myself from trying. I guess it's a way that H feels as well.
I'm going to admit that I'm a bit pressed for time, so remind me why this no contact thing is in force? Did he ask you not to contact him? I'll be back...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Yes, he did ask me not to contact him. I respect that, because he's working through his anger right now, and frankly, just over the last 2 days, I've been letting the weight of his actions and my pain from it hit me as well. It's tough.
Oh, okay. Fair enough. I was just not remembering that request. Good for you for being such a trouper. I just pray that he's finding some clarity alone in his thoughts.
I'm going with that, Always.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks, Betsey....I pray that he finds peace through this, regardless of the outcome of our M. I would like this to be a time that he moves through his pain and doesn't carry that forward in his life, whether we stay married or not....I feel sad for my actions.
Though the limbo is hard, it's been great. I went to the apt. this morning to pick up some more stuff, and it was not a nice reaction. I looked at our bed, the kitchen and other things, and I had NO desire to be there again, anytime soon. Too many memories of 'acting as if' while the A was on, too many horrible memories that make that place not seem like home. I have so many confused feelings now, and it would be impossible for me to simply go back to regular life with H, I feel that we are so far apart now....would be hard to sleep beside him, cook dinner and go on outings with this confused state of limbo between us. I did that for nearly 1 year and it's worn me down. Now that I'm out, I can't go back.
I think, if things go back, I need space....a longer separation, where we may date and get to know each other again, with a beginner's mind. There is a lot that each of us need to forget and forgive and learn to see the other person without a filter of pain and anger, but rather with forgiveness and positive potential. I don't want that tainting my M anymore. Neither does H. That's what he means by 'blind love.' I'm grateful that he doesn't want this as status quo either. At least we have a good goal to work toward.
We need to get our own lives, build better memories, together and alone. It's so counter-intuitive, but the best thing now. I feel that things have fallen so apart, that it's gonna need this 'start from scratch' approach if things work out. Frankly, I think it's what H would want as well.
Until then, I need to work on finding clarity in my thoughts as well. Taking time to honor the experiences I went through and letting the changes I've made settle....we both need the space to respect what we've been through.
Finding the love again will be the toughest part. I feel it at times, I know H does too, but it's so buried right now. The work will be in peeling the layers back, if we can.
