Well, was a good weekend. More reflection, doing nothing at all (nice!), lots of chats with friends (who have known something was 'up' and have been worried), and dinner with friends. Nice weekend. Different being alone, but nice too...I guess what made this different than the times that H was away, is that this is indefinate. But, I tried to take it with grace.
Well, and then grace falters. Yesterday, I hit a low point of anger and impatience. This was spurred by a conversation with a good, mutual, friend who acknowledged things in the M that H did, that she saw and she validated much of my responses. She said she was proud that I started to express my feelings in an honest and direct way, without sugar-coating or topping with a positive...instead of being moody or blowing up at H. RIGHT ON (reference the conversations about being passive aggressive). She said that each time I vented with her, I was always mild about it, glossing it over, while H vented with her several times in our M, and it was always all out. Hmmmm. She clearly saw H's 'victim' complex and his 'persecution complex' that he calls it....feeling that everything always happens horribly to him.
This opened up a jar of worms for me. These are things in our M that I forgot and stowed away. I had forgotten how I walked on eggshells around his moods, I had forgotten that I didn't remember a time when I expected H to come home happy. I had forgotten that I didn't remember a happy H, had forgotten the misery of living with someone eternally grumpy, angry, miserable and cranky. Someone that had to be pulled out of his shell, that I had to be a personal jester and therapist to. I was more than happy to do this, being a woman, I love to nurture, but I need also to see results, to be appreciated for it, or at the very least be told that I make a difference. Not a grumpy man who storms off at my attempts to make him happy.
Part of my absolute joy at being alone is NOT dealing with this anymore...getting an earful of pity and sorrow when asked about his day. [I'm being harsh and venting, bear with me]. I like being happy, I like seeing the silver lining, I like being with someone with vision, motivation, hope and life.
Funny thing is that H saw that in himself too, refered to his 'persecution complex' and had a habit of coming home and cutting off his complaining, saying he wanted to end that and realized he had a good life (WOW). He tried to have happier times with both of us. What's my fear? That he really hasn't changed his perspective, rather just changed telling me about how he feels about life...and soon will find another OW to vent to and 'connect' with and all over again with an A. These changes have to be for HIM, not our M. When I tell him that he can say/vent whatever he wants, he says "no, I don't want to be that way anymore, I want to be happy and leave my frustrations at work and not make them in to a big deal."
I guess it was good for me to think of these things, so I know what I need if/when this gets back together.
In the meantime, lots of reading on other threads have given me back to a place of compassion and empathy and faith that H can change too, and see his part in our M demise. That he can forgive me and give me another chance.
Until then, I am determined to be happy, make plans and have fun and reflection and more growth during this down time. I also want to use this time to reflect on pain, get my anger out and heal. It's still so close to so much pain and chaos. Getting to normal is so weird, for so long I've adapted to madness that it's becoming abnormally easy for me to switch gears too fast, like moving out. I forgot what normal is. I'm trying to get back to that.
I'm trying to envision myself as a woman that I can love and forgive. I am trying to remember nice memories of H. I am trying to remember what I wanted in M in the first place. I'm trying to find happiness no matter what the outcome.
No word from H. Been 8 days now. I'm anxious and have periods of anger for his leaving me in limbo, but it's his voicing for the first time, it's his working throught things....I can be patient.
