Thanks, Mama. Well, you have an interesting discussion on your thread, one that I'd like to continue my thoughts of here: passive-aggressive behavior. Yep, all this time I was focused on H's PA (push away/abandon/A all while hoping I would leave him) and not enough on my own (moodiness/impatience, anger instead of communicating authentically). Of course I considered my behaviors, but not in the context of PA.
Mine comes from setting invisible expectations and the disappointment of that...and it usually manifests on focusing on NOT the real issue. Ex: moody at H for not going out....it's not going out that is the focus, rather that I want his time/attention. OK, got that.
Also thought of the point that while I've made lots of improvements/changes, the one that has NOT been touched is PA behavior and practice of its cure: authentic communication. Not to place blame, but this was seriously stunted in recent development due to not being able to communicate authentically with a person who was lying all the time, having an A, and not really IN the R, nor receptive to my 'authenticity'....only to be viewed as more pressuring. Even now, I tried and it wasn't time, fully, YET, he reacts so much better. I do notice that when I do relate to H in this manner, it brings the same out in him. We have SUCH productive converstaions (OK, the 1 day I got to really try this).
But, in pondering the PA stuff, which is my NEXT round of focus on me....I realized an important point that pertains to H and I's PA, as well as many folks on the thread here. It's a manifestation of our insecurity, but mostly, I see it as a manifestation of my fear of intimacy and trust of H. It's a wall, a cover. To communicate authentically is to TRUST the other person, that they're listeing, that they can understand b/c THEIR walls are down too, that they will try to reach you in the middle. Well, when we get caught in ASSuming, and now in this horrible cycle of M that I'm in...it's hard to be open like that. I guess a key to authentic comm. is CONSENT and WILLINGNESS of both parties....kinda like good sex...which is why it's also an intimacy issue. Communicating well, trusting and opening yourself up, is like really opening yourself up to love well and to BE loved well. It's a deeper connection. It's something that I see now that H and I rarely had. The good thing is that I see that when I do it, he does too, so he has the capacity. He also indicated that he hates when I say things that put up my wall. So I'm blessed that he's capable of this....now it's up to me to lead (should that day ever come, mind you).
Whew, nice to think of these things. Ahhhh, just when I thought I could take a break. More self-reflection.
