Doing well today. Woke up feeling a little frustrated at H thinking of issues I had in the M as well. I guess all this time, while focusing on the immediate M crisis at hand, I shoved that aside or felt that perhaps they didn't exist and I was making a big deal. But they ARE issues. I spent a lot of time thinking of H as a person, and trying to figure out if he can come around. If he's the type of person to do that. I honestly have my doubts. But, funny, years and years ago, he expected me to forgive him and see changes....and even now, he wants to move quickly past his mistakes (A), etc. Yet he cannot relent his past feelings for me and the need to put me in a box. Before I left, when I had my meltdown (long awaited) about the A, he said "see you're just the same person, it's who you are, to act this way" (excuse me, but this is a BIG deal and I may not act perfectly calm)....so I said "oh really, so should I then assume that you are, and always will be, a cheat and a liar?" No. I've always had issues with H's inability to see his own mistakes, make his own changes. He is forever looking outward....and after this whole process I have a LOT of respect and need to be with someone who looks inward, has a sense of calm, is not always looking to make a big deal out of things. I worked hard for this, and I see it's value now. It strikes me now, that this and other personality traits that bugged me endlessly in M (and made him angry/miserable all the time) are a product of his insecurity. I have pointed these things out, poorly and well, in the past and he still doesn't see it. He likes to think "oh, Always acted the way she did in our M b/c 1) she never wanted to be married 2) she acts like her mother 3) she has problems" rather than "perhaps it was a 2-ways street and yes, while she is to blame fully for her poor behaviors, could there also be things I did as well?"
Of course, I was pretty 1-tracked mind as well in our M. So, in the spirit of believing that people CAN change for the better, I guess I concluded this morning that I have to give H a chance to move past his anger, and maybe see things better. My part, if given a chance, will be to be gentle during this phase. Just as he is pigeon-holing me into character traits, I too am assuming that he just "is the way he is" and will never change.
Odd that now, with some distance, I can see clearly the stages that H went through, and how some were necessary steps for the next. For example, he started turning back toward me again, really seeing my changes, and me again, after I discovered OW stuff, it was like a jolt to him. His love only came out for me again, when he stopped OW/A stuff and saw what it really was in his life, a distraction. His anger for me (and partly for himself) came out fully only after he confessed his greatest sin (PA) and started feeling love for me again. I see this as, perhaps, the final stage in all of this. The anger. It has been a block for him, pushed back by his own guilt, and I always wondered when it would be addressed. It was the same for me. I feel that after I let it all out with him, felt all that I had to and let him know, I can be at this stage of peace and reality....I hope the same goes for him. In many ways, I am so grateful for the stages he's going through, especially this one, I feel it's the only one that can truly be healing for him.
One thing I have realized is that we are capable of great and amazing things, especially for love. Indulging in the love, the pain of love and going through the painful, introspective change for love felt like living...I'm glad I didn't shy away.
