GH and Mama, thanks for visiting. Yes, these are weird times. Strangely, I feel good. I kinda made myself have a good cry last night, as I've been feeling rather unemotional in the sadness department this week. Just want to make sure it's not penting up. Weird, because for he last 7 months I've been so leaky.
Did some shopping and hung out last night. The place I'm staying has a nice gym, so worked out and am really excited about my routine and maybe stepping that up a bit. Things at work are going smoothly, lots of nice projects in the works.
Oddly, I feel OK. This morning I woke up with lots of nice memories of H. I thought about the A, etc. and it was sad, a little painful, but not intense. I guess it's because I've lived with it for so many months now. I feel understanding and forgiving of H.
Really, I'm seeing that this space apart is wonderful for me. I don't think I had the guts to do it on my own, but see now that I needed it so much. * Takes us both out of a stressful environment, and allows us to finally pull the cork on the emotions/feelings we've held back to 'get through' living together in a tough time.
* It's given me space to see what the R that I had issues with. What with H that I had issues with. I'm making a list and thinking of how to address these things, should he want out M to work. They are things that definately need to change for me and contributed to the demise as well.
* Given me space to let all the good memories come back. The good times, little and big things he did for me and what they really meant, to me and to him. Gives me insight into H, what means a lot to him to give and to receive. I was lucky that while he was facing his anger Sunday night, he vented about what he needed in the M and how I failed. I wished I heard that long ago.
* this morning I woke up with lots of wonderful memories and a weird sense of hope. A non-anxious, no-timeline sense of hope and pleasant thoughts. Regardless of how this turns out, I don't want to look back at H or my M and not remember the good times. Funny, this is a stage that H said he was facing lately too.
* The space, combined with H cutting OW/FF's out of his life and stopping that has really allowed him to face pain and his love. He said this and I can see how it makes clear sense. You really can't have one with out the other. If you feel pain, anger it means you still have feelings, strong ones. Of course, it may settle to indifference for H, and that will be sad/ I guess I feel lucky that before I left, his heart did start opening up to the love for me again....and I also feel lucky that he's facing his anger. I would never want that to stay with him. It was only after I stopped being "detached" and got angry about the A/OW this past weekend (when I flipped) that I am able to get to a stable place of feeling love for H. My emotions are not blocked, nor are they roller coastering. I had to let the anger out and face it. He needs to do the same. After you let it out, you're faced with...."so, that sucked. I was really hurt and angry. I hated you for that. I really disrespected you. But, through it all I still love you and now I have to figure out what I wanted in this M in the first place, and if this is worth getting rid of you and living a life without you will be better or not." Also, letting out my anger allowed me to start seeing again the things I did in the M and to have compassion for H again, which, the last months were really hard for me to muster. Of course, I'm still working through the pain, forgiving and forgetting. But, I can see the path for myself.
* It's allowed me to get back to the person I want to be. All this time I've been GAL, but in the context of H and M. I've been changing who I am in the M. But now, I really feel free, alive and strong. I feel I'm getting back to the person I was before I became the controlling, irritable and unhappy person in our M. I can really see the things now that contributed and take responsibility. I don't feel that being upbeat and happy is an effort now....it's much easier and the real me.
* The space, without talking, is good. In a way, all this time, I always wondered how it would go if we reconciled fully to make a full effort to make it work. In some deep fantasy, I wanted to press the "restart" button. Sort of have a break, clear the air and myself in order to throw yourself back in. Date again, fall in love again. Of course, this is all IF H wants this....so I'm reigning in the fantasies.
Thanks for posting all your comments. It really helps me a lot. Thank you and please keep them coming.
