Thank you SO much for the wonderful responses, please keep them coming! I really need it.
Last night was great. Watched a lot of TV, laughed and just was by myself, and it was nice. I I felt great last night and do today. I felt strong, alive. I felt myself getting excited to do things, this weekend and week, on my own or with friends. I felt excited exploring new things in life, etc. Not that H prevented me from doing things, but his work schedule and workaholic life (and during our M, he was so tied with his anger about work, etc that he didn't engage in life together much) prevented much of this, b/c I always felt badly about doing things on my own, wanted him to join. That was seen as needy. Then when I did things on my own, it was seen as "not wanting to be married" by H. Can't win for losing.
I feel 'alive' b/c for the better part of a year I have been so stressed by our M stuff. It's nice to not deal with that, and I suspect it's been nice for H too.
I feel good about my changes and self-awareness. This space, I'm realizing, is really good for me. These last months, all I did was focus on the changes in me (hence the bad things) and H's needs, which was good. Now, with this space, lots of MY needs in the M are surfacing....as well as the things in H that were issues for me.
All in all I felt good about the last year too. It's been tough, painful and a horror show at times, took my life to a point I never thought it would go. But, I feel so much stronger for it, so much oportunity for growth that I took from it. Plus, there are people out there suffering from so much more in life than this. I was lucky to have had the wonderful love of a man, and still have a great life.
