You posted to me a few months back when I had a thread, and it seemed that we had very similar situations. After reading your latest, I see that to be very true.
For what it's worth, I too was the verbal one in my M while my H just sat and took it all. I was always upping the ante, trying to get a reaction out of him. I didn't think he cared about what I was saying due to his lack of reaction most of the time.
Oh, he cared. And the things I said/did hurt him, A LOT. So, he left. Funny thing is that he left almost 2 years AFTER I figured out this whole DBing stuff.
But, like your H, that is when he found his voice. He still struggles to use it, but he is working on it. I have found that if I sit and listen to his venting and really take ownership of what I did, he bounces back pretty quickly. It doesn't mean that we don't have pretty much the same conversations again (and again and again), but they are becoming fewer and farther between and they are shifting more from "this is what you did" to "this is what I would like from you."
It is a long process and not for the weak of heart!
I am glad that you see the big picture, and that instead of responding with defensiveness you are listening with love. This is all you can do at this point.
People would tell me that I didn't have to listen to all of his venting. But, I did, and I still do. He needs to get rid of it all if we are to have a chance here.
It gets better. I just wanted you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Pam
P.S. The name "CMNM" stands for "Crazy maker no more!" -you have no idea how bad I was.
