I'm not giving up and I don't feel like a failure. I feel like I made lots of mistakes....things I can change over, and I have. I feel that I am more self-aware, and am proud of the work that I've done.
I, too, had a major moment (or five) of self-realization throughout my separation. I realized that I, in fact, had played a big part in why my H eventually left. I realized, through some help on these boards, that I had participated in "cheapening" my M. I took my H for granted. I always thought he'd be around, regardless of what I said or did. Boy, was I wrong.
And I paid the price for it, as you have. I think that's why I dealt with his rage with as much patience as I did (not that I handled it perfectly, mind you; I lost it with him every now and again). But there was a part of me that truly felt that I deserved the things he said to me ... like he deserved to be able to say them, too.
And a part of me, to this day, is glad he got those things off his chest, and I'm glad, in a twisted way, that he felt comfortable lashing out at me.
I guess the thing I'm worried about is that his anger will fizzle to cold indifference where he's ready for a D.
Wow, wow, wow. Good for you for understanding that the opposite of love is *not* hate; it's indifference. That's something that folks had to keep reminding me every time my H lashed out at me, told me to "get rid" of the baby, said he hated me, he was ashamed that I would be the mother of his son, etc. Good for you for understanding that there's a very fine line between love and hate. They both stem from the same emotion.
At the same time, however, I wouldn't want you to allow your H to feel as though you're going to tolerate his "venting" forever. If you give him that impression, then you enable him to continue doing it. The last thing you want to do is show him that the more abusive he gets, the more you fall at his feet. Mind you, I'm certainly not saying that's what you're doing. I just want you to forgive yourself. And it sounds like you have a really good handle on that. Let him vent, but if it ever gets to a point when you feel enough is enough, let it be.
