Hi P&DBing--

THANK YOU for responding, I really need that now.

I hear what you're saying. Actually, it was more ME that was the one who didn't watch what they said in fights, etc. in our M. I said some pretty nasty things, demanding, etc. H is being verbal, but after he revealed A to me this Friday, I told him that right then, I hated him so badly. He said the same thing to me months after the bomb--he said he loathed me.

It's horrible that we've sunk to this level. What he said does not bother me. It's the FIRST time he's speaking up. Sure, the level of anger is a bit overboard, but then I remember how many times I dealt anger at a level too high for the crime.

I hope he vents more to me, I hope I hear his rage/anger. I want to, need to....I think this is a phase that needs to happen. All this time, he said that he has not faced his anger/pain, and this is the time. I guess I feel lucky that BEFORE he did, he said his heart, these last weeks, has really softened to me, he has remembered his love and the wonderful things in me. So, I hope a little of that is still there.

I'm not giving up and I don't feel like a failure. I feel like I made lots of mistakes....things I can change over, and I have. I feel that I am more self-aware, and am proud of the work that I've done.

Frankly, patience and understanding were never things I showed enough in M, while H did. Now, I think in the ultimate circumstance, I have demonstrated outstanding levels of each.....waiting detached and lovingly for 4 months while an A played out. Understanding it (yes, I was ANGRY, but that was 4 months of stuff pent up, the lies, etc), but understanding, grateful for the truth, etc. Even friends said that women would not handle things the same as I did and it was admirable.

I'm not tooting my horn, but while I make mistakes here and there, I'd say the last 7-9 months I've stepped up to the plate plenty.

I guess the thing I'm worried about is that his anger will fizzle to cold indifference where he's ready for a D. I hope not. But, at this phase, I can't even DB or anything, I'm in the dark and maybe that's for the best right now.