My heart goes out to you. I know how confused you must be for your H to go hot and cold the way he did. And I know you're trying to honor what he's telling you, and grow from it. I've been there, and I also know how defeated you must feel.
Maybe I'm picking up on your thread mid-stream and have no right to respond to your most recent post, since I admittedly haven't educated myself on your whole history. But as someone whose H told her he hated her and all the mean things I'm sure you've also heard, I feel compelled to ask you not to beat yourself up too much over your mistakes and what you heard your H say.
Sure, accept it, honor it and grow from it. But don't let it beat you down to the point that you're willing to give up because you feel like a failure. You're not. Your H is lashing out. There's a time and place for that. And when you've had enough of it, there will be a time and place for you to tell him you've heard enough.
Sometimes, we feel so badly for our mistakes that we allow abusive verbal behavior by our Ss. I did it. It's almost like we feel we owe that to our Hs ... like we're paying penance or something. And maybe we are ... as long as it makes *us* feel better.
But let enough be enough when you're ready. Learn from it, and release it. You don't have to "pay," by being kicked out of your house, for mistakes you made in the past.
Be good to yourself, always, okay? You're working so very hard and accepting your responsibility. There's a lot to be said for that. Pat yourself on the back for me today, will ya?
