Saturday night: Go out for dinner, have a good time, really talk a lot, openly and first time we're really communicating. H is actually talking and asking questions. Says he wants to try this, ready for it, looking inward at his mistakes. He said he's still sad, but much less sad after confessing. I agree and thank him again, b/c I feel good too, knowing the truth. We both agree that we're more alive. Dinner is great nice time.
Sunday: I vent more, calmly, about my feelings, try to tell H how I felt crazy, detached and it was hard to get back and I often had feelings of "not caring" like I should as a W. etc. etc. Communicating, and venting b/c I wanted to let this go and let him know how I felt in a non-chaotic manner. H then open up and tells me that all this time, 9 months (when he was in his fog, mind you), and especially over the past wonderful weeks, he has tried so hard and prayed to fall blindly in love with me and has not been able to and is sure that he can't. Says sorry, he tried. I said OK. I also said that I felt the same, but I thought it was b/c we were too close to pain/guilt....that when we WERE in love, we had a clean slate and none of that. That the more good times we had such as teh weeks before, the closer we can get to that. He said he was confused in a lot of pain, not sure if it was the right thing. Said he could not fall in love, yet I was the only person he loved. I let it go and said that I cared deeply for him, and if leaving was best, then I was open to it and respected his wishes. However, I wanted to make the decision in a calmer, less emotional state and get us both back to feeling like stronger people. I also stated that falling in love, as he himself mentioned, was something you did only when you loved YOURSELF, which we did not b/c of our mistakes and feeling low about it. That night, we went out with friends, H was a little more distant. We have a great time with friends.
That night, I cry in the middle of the night, wake up feeling so badly at all my mistakes in M. I really didn't try and treated it with little care. H wakes up and asks, and we start talking a lot. He asks a LOT of questions, which I answer great-mostly he asks about my mom (who also acted a lot like I did in our M), he asks if maybe I was just hardwired to act the way I did. Why did I act the ways I did? Etc, etc. Goes into a huge speech about what men really want...etc. Then goes into a dialogue about how much he hated being married to me, marriage, how horrible it was, and what a raw deal he got marrying me, how he put up with me, etc. Painful to ehar, but I listened and did not ask anything--just listen. I thank him for telling me all of this. Then he says that 2 things came from him cutting out OW/FF's and making more time: 1) he saw his love for me again 2) he started feeling his pain for me and the M (never really faced this the last months in the 'fog'). Swore that he wasn't mad at me, but our M. THen started saying that he was so mad, got up and left the room for the rest of the night. Said that we were different, he was more caring, etc. I did not argue, just listened, did not even really validate, he was MAD.
Next morning, gets up, takes a run and goes to work. At work he sends me the most horrible email: You are a worthless W. I should have never gotten married adn will never again. i cannot protect you from my feelings. The hummiliation of my M is officially over, get the F out of my life, take what you want, do not contact me unless you have something to sign.
So, he kicked me out. I packed a week of stuff an left yesterday afternoon. Feeling numb, but better today. I talked to 2 friends about this. They both feel that he is angry, but not serious about D. That this is the first time he's facing his pain/anger, first time letting it out. I agree.
In our M, I always overexpressed myself. I always found flaws in H, yet took advantage of the fact that he kindly and patiently overlooked mine. He underexpressed and never got angry/vented or stood up for himself. The few times he did, I argued what he said. I was horrible. I'm not getting down/depressed on myself, rather self-awareness of the pain I caused and loving myself to change for the better.
So, now, this is the first time H has found 'his voice' and his male role in the M. He is putting his foot down. He is drawing boundaries and saying it was NOT OK. Strangely, as hard as the email was, I have so much respect and love for it and feel the pain he went through even to send it. I am not mad, and I am proud at how much I have grown. One year ago, I would have gotten upset and only thought of how horrible it was for ME, never thinking of H. Now I do. It was my first reaction. Yesterday and this morning, I tried to meditate on what he said, to listen again to things he said were my failings, for my growth. I am spending time sorting through my pain of what he did and assessing if I can forgive and work on forgetting, which I want to do regardless of the outcome of this M. I am focusing on H and his voice, and respecting it. H mentioned that patience and compassion and understanding were things that were hard for him to find for me now. He didn't know if he could ever again, after how I acted in the past, that understanding my mom was one of things that opened him to this for me. I can understand, I tested and killed all his patience over the years.
H tends to put things into 100% black and white categories when it comes to people doing him wrong. He cannot see his part and in his mind is very unforgiving or willing to see any good. I am scared, in a way, that I am now placed here, for it's easier for him to process. Yet, he feels his guilt as well. I am afraid taht I will never be given a chance for him to see my changes and the mere fact that we can change. He is angry that I might mistrust him in the future and can be seen as sleazy, yet after all these months, he's unwilling to pull down walls to love me again.
So, in the dark with H for now. Who knows when/if he will call. Who knows when any of this will end, and how. I'm trying to not think of a negative outcome. A large part of me feels that all that is done is too much to go back, I just don't see how a positive outcome can go from here....then there is a part of me that still envisions a positive outcome and wishes for it. I'm trying not to be too hopeful, so as not to kid myself.
