Had the worst night of my life last night. Everything came to a head. It was bloody awful and I was a total lunatic.
H and I had the talk. I was edgy, fighting, pissy...everything I have learned in DB and other things all this time went OUT THE WINDOW. Back came the old person, I couldn't control it. I was very calm, but snappy, sarcastic comments. I was through with patience really. All of his confessions were by my questioning, none of it coming out on it's own. Still frustrating, but I guess I can understand. I was horrible at questioning.
What happened? * H voluntarily admitted to a PA with a woman I had no idea was in the picture. The really amazing part is that he knew I did not suspect PA at all, and still told me. I could tell it was hard. I knew he was scared of losing the great times we had the last few weeks. But he told me anyway. I have to confess, I don't know if I could have done that. Apparently, it was a woman he met long ago when the bomb dropped (back in late 2005)...at a bar. They hung out a handful of times afterwards and had sex...once (so H says, I still don't know what to believe). He said it was good, she was pretty, nice, fun conversation. It happened, he enjoyed it (surprised he admitted that), then he said he felt shocked, guilty, regretful, thought of me, came home and felt horrible, thought I could see through him. Said that he never contacted her again, b/c he was scared of it, shocked and regretful--it wasn't nice. He said the R they had was nothing, just a handful of hang outs, no meaningful conversations, no strong bond. So he says. He has/had no feelings for her. He said that part of him blamed me for it, part of him wanted me to leave him, wanted out of the M, wanted to push me away and reject me so I could do it. * Said he forgot me, felt I didn't love him, just saw me as an angry person. Hated me, wanted out from me. Said the sex was an escape, could have been anyone, rebellious act. Escape from the misery we had at the time and the pain he felt. Said it was nice that someone was attracted to him, to feel that. Was nice to be wanted. * As far as the OW that I HAVE known about. That was kissing and making out, apparently. He admitted that the situation didn't present itself for sex (at least he didn't say he didn't want to). Actually said that she didn't want to do it. I think H felt badly doing it with her and then not committing. Said he felt closer, more attracted and cared for her more. She made him happy at times, fun, sweet caring. Said he wasn't ever in love with anyone, got carried away and wanted to get lost, but not in love...said he didn't feel he had much love for himself, let alone someone else (makes sense). I asked if he missed her....he said no. I think something happened to turn H off. I asked if it hurt him, and he said no, he was disenchanted long ago. Said that she didn't necessarily pose as a great gal and busted, rather he projected all great attributes of a great gal onto her and it wasn't so. Said she wasn't what HE made her out to be. Nice that he didn't blame HER for being psycho or anything, bur rather his own fantasy. Said it was a friendship, she was crazy about him and it made him feel good. Did say that it was boring, juvenile at times, and not fulfilling (didn't say this in a nasty way, though). He said it could have been anyone, it was basically him running away from me and us, an escape again. * About us. He feels so guilty and it's his biggest obstacle. Basically, he leaned toward D and asked for it last night b/c of his guilt. Said he could not face me or my family again. Said that it wasn't gonna get better, that he could not go the rest of his life being suspected and mistrusted. Admitted that he did not want to live with the consequences of his actions. But, also said that the last few weeks made him feel that he could be in love with me again, reminded him of all the dreams we had together and he would not have it w/o me. Said that no one had given him more happiness in his life than I did, and through all his anger at me, he still loved me, which is why it hurt so badly. Said that the last few weeks were a level of happiness he didn't have with other FF's, etc. With me, he said it "felt right, comfortable, relaxed, you understood me, I was a stable happy--not with this dual life that was unfulfilling." Said he was afraid of letting go of someone he cared about, and someone he thought it could still work out with. Felt that leaving wasn't the absolute right answer, but he was feeling honorable and strong enough to make the decision, mostly out of his own guilt. I asked w/o guilt, did he want to be with ME? He said yes, wishes he could turn back the clock and take it all back and work things out earlier. I asked if I was a fallback, second choice, easy to come back to ....he said NO...coming back to me was nothing easy nor a fallback. I asked did he come back b/c things with OW didn't work out? He said NO, that was disenchanting long ago. Said he started letting himself think of wonderful memories of me again, and thought of me in old ways, like "precious" and as much as he wished he could forget those things, it meant a lot to him, our good times. Said that the last few weeks were really happy for him, the only thing that got in the way were his lies (nice of him to admit that). Said he felt badly accepting my kindness, it was hard for him when I took care of him when sick. Said he felt that I was gonna walk out the door any minute, was prepared for it, a little scared but OK. Said he did have hope and real excitement about our future the last few weeks, then dampened by his guilt, but said the last few weeks he really tried with me (as much as he could with a pack of lies on his shoulder), and put effort into US. * For the first time, I see the MLC-like sypmtoms or maybe this is just a common byproduct of his phase. He said he was really depressed now, and it took his joy away. Not about OW, he didn't care about that (so he says, though he was a little pissed when he talked of her now...so don't know if that withdrawal is a thing, but he said he harbored no bad feelings, did not dislike her, just didn't want to talk about what happened). Said he felt like he was a different person the last months, and now like he was waking up from a fog and now depressed at the ruins around him after his fog. Was depressed at why this had to happen at all. Wished he could go back to how things were, happy. Worried about rebuilding things, how overwhelming it seemed.
ME: * Not pretty. I was ugly. I was a lunatic. I let it all out. I yelled. I called him horrible names. I was mostly calm. When he told me had sex with another W, I was actually silent, not screaming or throwing up as I had imagined the scenario to play out. But I had bouts of anger, then sadness when we wept together. He refused to tell me name, location, anything of the woman who he had sex with...also refused other details. Said I would never get that, it was uncomfortable for him, and if that meant a D, then so be it. I was angry. I raged. I accused him of so much...of not loving me, of not caring of our M, of not trying now, of being overwhelmed by this crap that he never tried and was passionless about saving the M. I wept and wailed. He took it all. He didn't run away, didn't argue, but he did stick up for himself when I got out of control, slung it right back at me (which really set me off). He said he wanted to let me vent on him, be angry at him. I know it was horribly painful for him, and I can only imagine.
I handled the evening ALL WRONG. But I felt I could not help it. I felt it was everything pent up for months, coming out. It's no excuse and today I am MUCH better, but still, I think the discovery of infidelity warrants a little bad behavior. As long as I rebound. I made him feel unsafe, hated, evil, accused. That was wrong. But I DID hate him. I felt so unsafe with him for so long with the lies. I am not gonna beat myself over 1 night. He said he expected it and actually wanted it, as my kindness was killing him...I think it feeds into his guilt.
* In the end, we told each other that the hardest part is remembering the wonderful things (mostly me talking and him agreeing, he is emotionally spent, feeling guilty and tired), and not being able to fully hate the other person to let them go. Being stuck--feeling that you can't let go, but can't rebuild. Feeling hopeful and hopeless. Feeling hate and love. Feeling sad at all the we wrecked. Feeling vulnerable to the other person's love again.
* So, I don't know from here. It's gonna be a tough road either way. I'm feeling calmer and more forgiving and compassionate. Though I am angry and will have tough moments, I am also the most stable I have felt in months. I feel like knowing the dirty truth is like a grasp on reality, so I feel whole again.
