Oh, the day just gets harder, and I just get sicker hearing myself complain. OK, I will stop feeling sorry for myself in a minute and realize that NOTHING can affect my life except for me. I have choices.
But...here goes.
So, I find out just now, happily, that H has received ANOTHER award, the highest one he can receive this year, for his work performance. For a guy that said he feels like he's falling apart, so unhappy, throwing himself into work to avoid our M and me has really paid off (OK, sarcasm, I know).
I was sitting here stewing over the fact that I *know* he lied to my face, wondering if I can accept this in my M (of course, it's not much of a M right now) and scared to death that he will continue doing this. THEN, I have to turn around and he ecstatically happy for H. Which I am, I am quite proud and happy. But, a LARGE part of me thought "Geez, now I have to stuff all my things down again, be happy, supportive, and all that."
I immediately called him and turns out I was the one to give him the news, I was happy on the phone and suggested we go out to dinner as a treat. He was happy.
I think what scared me the most is how I WAS able to, in literally 25 seconds, turn my emotions like a switch from stewing/miserable to happy (or at least sounding the part). And really, I AM very happy for him.
OK, enough whining. I am VERY happy for H and incredibly proud. I suggested we go to dinner tonight and intend to have a splendid time. I will go back to my mantra: detach, enjoy the moment, his mess his clean-up, enjoy MY life, and be ME.
Why did he lie? Hmmm, my best guess is that he's in the process of ending (or covering up, but his actions toward me show that he's turning back to me) the A with OW. He is scared of letting out the truth. I sense (and he has indicated) that he is very nervous about MY feelings about our M, whether I want him or not, if I am miserable, etc. He likes what we have now, the good times we have, enjoyes me, and I think, frankly, is really scared now to lose it, over something he's ending anyway. Also, the more truthful part is that he wants to protect HIMSELF from looking bad. OK, when I write things like this, I feel that I am just delusional and making myself feel good here. I am NOT excusing his behavior, just trying to understand where he's coming from.
Of course, wrong is wrong. Now, if I find that the truth is what I suspect next week, I have to decide whether to call him out on it or not. I think I will. I need to set boundaries....like OT said on another thread, not to tell H what to do, rather to claim what I cannot be a part of anymore. BIG difference.
Until then, I will enjoy the moment, stop the pity party and get centered again. Life is short. Life is good.
