Been a confusing day--venting here, so prepare for a lot of negativity. I have to find my center soon, before I go home to an evening with H. Funny, I read the things I post to others here, so confident and together and rational, and then get moments in my own life where I am so tired. Tired of acting, of the effort, of pushing pain and reality down to a deep place, tired of lies, of always suspecting, of always acting so as not to shake the boat. Really, tonight is a night that I am so tempted to tell H that I would like to stay in a hotel. The thought of spending time with him now makes me want to get in the bed and pull the covers over my head--forever.
Here's the conflict, in short synopsis without gory details. This morning, an unusual bout of neediness from me prompted us to discuss that H has a habit of just sitting there, not participating, in any talks we have about R/M. I am frustrated to be the one to always pull, talk, turn, etc. I never initiate talks now. I suspect he likes the talks now, is ready for them, but is still not putting in effort. He was sweet, said he was so sad that my sadness was so close to the surface and said he undestood why I felt the way I did, but explained that this morning, I didn't give him a chance to dialogue. True and I apologized. Then, he said he wanted to have a serious talk this evening. I said no, you don't have to, and now you're only having it b/c prompted by me. He said, yes, but, does that mean you will throw it away? I said no, that I will talk if he wants tonight and left it at that. We actually ended up with smiles, laughs and affection.
Then, this afternoon, I *strongly* suspect he has lied to my face. In fact, concocted an elaborate lie to cover that he has given OW lots of $, presumably to cancel their little secret phone. I was expecting this, as he has always paid for it, but the cover up was a bit much. Of course, a VERY small part of me hopes I am wrong and I will have no proof until next week. Why obsess over the proof, is it snooping? No, it's not--it's OUR account. Plus, he's STILL lying. Then, he tells me that he wanted to come clean (which is where the cover lie comes in) and be transparent because I deserved it--to know the truth (OMG!!!). Said he was sorry for the past, and wanted to do this for me (basically lying that he gave another person $) whether I accepted it or not or believed or not. I was quiet and got off the phone.
So, I'm in a bind. I can only wait until next week until I see for sure.
The biggest question...WHY IS HE LYING ABOUT THIS??? Why act like you want the M to work, make effort to try in the M for the first time in nearly a year, seem sincere about it and then LIE to my face AGAIN about OW.
Ugh, if anyone is reading, your opinions, however short, or thoughts would greatly be appreciated. I am getting centered again, but feel like life will NEVER get past this...this is so pathological, it's scary. It's not the M I want.
I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. This is NOT the way I want to live my life anymore. It's like half-living, half-dead.
