Hijack all you want. I welcome anyone, the boogyman, toothfairy, Santa Claus, the Loch Ness Monster, ANYONE to hijack my life for a while.
OK...let's be flexible. YOU MUST do this tonight. If he doesn't come up, then go down before you go to bed and say this to him. Nothing overly gushy or pursuing, just pop your head in, in a calm tone and a little smile, say this. Then go back up to bed and have sweet dreams!
Really, it's the gesture...the ice HAS to break. I read on your thread that you're fighting a little, so you're feeling a little resistent to reach out, I know, but FORCE YOURSELF to do it. Just this one small thing. It's just opening the door a crack, I'm NOT asking you to jump in the door with your lingerie.
General post, reminder for myself from BI's sitch.
A note about compliments, and little acts of kindness:
Yes, I'm hurt and mad. I'm confused and tired. I'm all sorts of horrible things. BUT, at first, in the beginning of this mess, I FORCED myself to spew out compliments, thank you's, smiles, encouragement, strong words of support. It felt funny saying it, fake. Maybe b/c it's because I felt saying something sarcastic, angry, or nothing at all.
OR, maybe it's because, for some horrible reason, I stopped saying things like this to H. It felt funny b/c I wasn't used to saying TY for small things, saying silly supportive thigns all the time....I realized that it didn't come out of my mouth often. No, I wasn't cold, no way. BUT, I certainly didn't say things as often as I do now. WHY????? I do for friends, I have no problems, gushier words come out for less reason. So how about giving that same kindness, compliments and the bag to the person who I share most of life with?
Pretty soon, it became natural, saying TY, compliments, supportive words, smiles, laughs. On hard days, it made me feel better to do this....it melted H when he was also nervous around me.
Most of all, it became a foundation for just peace and respect, above all things, regardless of all things, IN SPITE of all things. At the very least, I had that.
I believed that if the words sounded funny to me, then surely H didn't buy it. At first, he didn't. But, somewhere along the way, he did. WHY? B/c all along, it's what he WANTED from me. At least I'm lucky he STILL wanted it and took it (by believing me). That he didn't get to a stage where it didn't matter anymore. How do I know he believes me and really listens to the words? B/c in our last talk, he said "you are so sweet, gentle and loving....where were you in my mind, I'm so mad I forgot." That's all the proof I need. I'm so sorry H, I don't know where I was in MY mind either.
It's funny, decency, manners and patience in my M were the first things I threw out the window---now they are the last and only things I cling on to.
Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you, and praying for you and your H as you enter into this phase where you are physically together again. I imagine that alot of growth has occured for each of you. Now you have a wonderful opportunity to enter a new phase of your R and put everything you have learned into practice. Here's what you said
Quote: I hope to be the best person I can be, the person I want to be, at all times. I hope, in what time we have left together (a week or a lifetime) that I give the very best of myself to a person I love and cherish
I believe for you, it will be a lifetime if you choose it to be. How could anyone resist the unconditional love you are offering! If you are not meant to be together, it will be revealed in good time. But that is not what I would bet on, based on the space you hold and who you are. My thoughts are with you. Let us know how it is going.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
OK, here goes...I'll try to package this with some sort of sense and flow. Thanks to all who inquired...you have NO idea how much you all mean to me. SO, KEEP POSTING!
So, H came home. I was nervous, he was nervous and sick. We were both a little awkward, but he opened up excitedly to tell me about his trip and adventures, and I just loved hearing about it and sharing the excitement. I was so happy for him.
Things were, for the most part, comfortable again, none of the weirdness before he left. He was quite ill, so I functioned as the caretaker, my pleasure. As days went by, H became more and more comfortable, reaching out more. I stayed in detached mode, but reached out as well, when appropriate and I never rejected his moves. There were moments when I felt we were back to the "turn your back and go to bed" mode which really hurt and made me feel like on a thread, but for some reason, he seemed to sense it and reached out at those times. Nice, but didn't make much of it. Oddly, I felt in a numb place...can think about the A/OW and not get too pained and be with H and not be too ecstatic. Just neutral, which is nice from being on an emotional roller coaster. So, below is a snapshot of us, now.
About H: * From my observation, seems that his contact and shared phone with OW is cut off, the day before he came back, presumably by OW. * H has increasingly reached out more, MUCH more affectionate, like good times in M. Lots of hugs, cuddling, laughs, joking, cuddling at bed time. * If H senses that I am a little quiet, he reaches out, asks if I'm OK, is sweet and kind like he used to be. * Makes an effort to call me to tell me where he is, when he's coming home. Not too much of an effort, but sort of that he wants to show that he is in the right. * Makes an effort to come home earlier, this could be b/c cut time with OW gives more time for home. Actually makes effort to come home earlier, and not just find other things to do than come home (work). When he comes home for breaks, he stays longer, talks and looks not in a rush to leave. When he calls, also not in a rush to get off the phone. * Comfortable "needing" me. Letting me take care of him while sick, letting me listen to him vent things about life, like being allowed to be best friend again. * Felt edgy and bad that he was "not fun" when sick and out of commission. This came from my bad reactions to his limited time in past. So I made an extra effort to assure him that I don't feel that way, and just wanted him to get better. I even got in bed and talked with him til he slept so he would feel better about being a sickie. * Brings up things about the future...really pushing buying a car, doing the yard, etc. I'm still having some trouble getting into these thigns yet. * Physically: Great. Lots of ML since he's been back. That never stopped in all this mess, but definately did slow down. I initiate a lot too, gotta take care of needs! * He is funny, cracks jokes. This is a hallmark of his personality, and was hidden from me for a while. Tries to make me laugh, which I do, heartily! * When he does work on weekends, makes an effort to go and finish early so we have the rest of the day together * Suggest activities together, small things...walks, outings, movies, etc. * When I saw him after he came from trip, he gave me a beautiful piece of jewelry immediately when he walked in the door. I loved it. * Suggested, on a day I was REALLY crabby, that he wanted to take me out, as a surprise for our anniversary. Ended up that we didn't b/c of his health, but nice. Especially in the face of my crabby mood. * Patient with my crabby moods and when I am just a little unable to deal with things. I express differently and see how it enables him to be patient with me, and not run away, which was a big issue for me/us. He actually makes an effort to reach out more to me when I get a little down about things. Not scared and running away. * Cheery sounding on the phone when I call or he calls. I do the same. * Really, really, really complimentary on my looks, efforts to work out, proud of me doing so, encouraging. He was always complimentary, but in his fog and post-bomb, it's like he stopped seeing me....really acts attracted to me, and I know he always was...it's sincere and he makes me feel like the prettiest woman in the world. Nice.
About ME: * Found a level of peace and grace I never thought I was capable of. Not that I'm a saint, it takes LOTS of effort. * In the beginning, each moment was effort to suppress my anger/pain and just act as if and pretend to forget. Now it's easier. It still seeps out. * I am detached. When I'm with H, I try to think like this: life is good. I am happy with who I am. I regret how I acted, and my penance is changing me and being better to H, for however long that lasts. I just want to have a good time in life. All the current issues are NOT mine. They are not my bag. They are H's bag. Let him deal with it, and share the bag when it's called for. For now, you have your own issues of self-improvement to work on. * I reach out physically, little things, hugs, touches, kisses. I realize that he is watching and waiting for me to initiate as much as I am him. He's scared now that I don't want him, and doesn't wnat to push, so I reach out to let him know I still care and love him. * I laugh, talk, open up, and just enjoy being his friend. We talk about everything and nothing and silly things and serious things. Nice. * I try to do things with no expectations, or quell them when they rise. Ex: I did some nice things for him while he was sick, and he took some time to acknowledge. I was peeved at first, but then calmed it down, no expectations. Do it as you woudl for any friend. Felt nice. Turns out it really meant a lot to him. * Realizing that I sometimes expect him to go back to how he used to be with me (call all the time, level of excitement, etc) or how he was with other friends or OW, but it's not that he doesn't love me, more that he's scared on how to go that path again, get that started, fear of rejection and just plain guilty and feeling ashamed of the past. * There are LOTS of things in hindsight I see that the old me would have made a jab, started a fight, complained or been sarcastic. Now, I don't do ANY of that, and it doesn't occur to me to do it. I'm no saint, but it's nice to see that changes are real. * Lots of times I have thought of the past and been so angry, ready to explode and I am able to suppress and calm myself down. I realized I hate feeling that pain, feeling awful, feeling so much hatred and anger. I want to put that away and I HAVE A CHOICE TO DO SO. So I will. I don't have to feel that way. Only I make myself feel that way. * Realize that H is still fragile now (read below)....now is NOT the time for the A talk or for me to let my pain out. That time will come, until then, go about as now. * Still making time for me. Working out, seeing friends, getting into work. This is a new phase in the M, but still, I am trying to keep the individual me in tact as we move from here. * Doing well about not getting emotional about things I cannot control. Letting things go, focusing back on me. It's hard, but I try.
THE ALMOST R TALK: * One morning I was especially moody (mornings are bad for me) and I was quiet. H asked why, I said "nothing." He had called me by a pet name I know he used for OW and other FF's....that irritated me and has for some time. So, I KINDLY asked if he could call me something else, other pet name, etc. He said OK and was moody. I asked why (duh). I was really kind and thought about it a lot, but I felt I had the right to ask him that favor, not bring up the A, but that. I guess by asking that I DID bring up the A, and that was bad timing. * H burst out that he wasn't mad at me, but just hated thinking about ugly things between us (hmmm, they might not be totally in the past, right?). Said he felt that at times like that, he felt that I was so deeply hurt and we could not move past it. Times like that he wanted a D. Said he wanted one only b/c he felt he ruined my life and felt so guilty. I said only *I* could ruin my life, thank you very much. He did not. At first he was defensive and angry, then immediately cracked when I was not angry, and his guilt came through. I realize now that his initial anger is a defense to my potential rage/anger. When he sees it's not there, he backs off and expresses how he really feels (guilt). * Came home, I said I didn't know if I made him feel happy. Was prepared to accept that I didn't. blah, blah. The usual crap I spew when i have my guard up. * H started crying....then started wailing. Full, loud, moaning, racking sobs. Never cried like that before in his life. I cried too, we held each other and just let out. He was in so much pain for what he did, what he felt about my actions in M, and just what we did to our M. I was too. Our hearts just bled. He said he hoped next year would be better and no more wasted time. He said he felt so sad for me. He said he loved me more than he loved himself and early on, felt so low that he felt that not living would be better...admitted to feeling that low. I did too. I wept again, for making someone ever feel that way. I was scared when he told me this, but realized it's part of the horrible emotions, but still made a vow, no matter what happens in our M, to always keep watch over H after he said that. * We admitted that we still brought each other joy, which is why this was so hard. * Both went to work and initially, I felt GREAT. Like now we could start again. But as the day wore on, I realized that I needed the full talk about A and stuff, only what H could manage, but still it's not been addressed at all. All in good time, I know it will be. One thing at a time. H is fragile now, not ready for that talk, and I can wait until the time is right for BOTH. He needs to get over his horrendous guilt and his fear of my anger/wrath. I need to steel myself to be calm and compassionate. * Ugh, the emotional session really opened the cracks for my anger/pain. For 2 days after, I was visibly (tone, etc) mad, angry, hard to be around H. He sensed it. He was patient and backed off a lot and expressed to me that he knew how I felt and felt sorry that I had to take care of him while I was so angry at him. That was nice. Then, I calmed down, found my center and realized that the day will come when I get that chance, not now. Since then, I've been OK.
What I fear: * That H is still lying. I have serious trust issues with him and now frankly don't care what he's doing or with whom. * That if I express any of my anger, however normal, I will push fragile H to lie about things. I hate that. That I have to be perfectly calm, understanding of things I cannot understand, to get the truth or a real M. * That H is just falling back to something comfortable and convenient. Perhaps after letting go of OW, now I am his new addiction and it's just a replacement? I know this is silly thoughts, but still.
My positive observations: * H is more like his "old" self again....kinda like all this time I kept thinking this was so UNlike him, now things are LIKE him. * Marked changes in H's behavior toward me. Really reveals that OW is probably out of picture. He seems happy with life and time together, so it's not like he's mopey and trying to distract himself. Maybe he is, but doesn't seem like it. He's engaged when we're together. * I am really practicing the art of patience, understanding and compromise. Learning that there is a time for my thoughts and it's NOT now. Learning to be OK with that. Learning to enjoy the moment, with nothing else in mind. Learning to let other people's issues/problems be their own to figure out (H). Learning to be a friend. * I am learning to express my feelings in a sincere, non-threatening/blaming authentic way. And then LETTING IT GO. * I am learning to mix any pure anger I have with snapping out of it and seeing that H is a human being, with flaws and capable of lots of mistakes, but that was then, this is now. I have compassion and great love for him as a person. I feel tender at his guilt, his remorse, his fall from his life. * I am learning to see the sincerity in his love and actions. They are real. I accept them insted of reject them in my temporary anger (as I used to). I cherish his offerings, regardless of my feelings about our past. I realize they are given with love, and that is always worth treasuring and being grateful for.
Not everything is rosy. I certainly don't mean to paint that picture. I'm not a saint either. It's real effort and work. More than I imagined, and lots more phases to go through. Lots of it is letting go of fear, and just being, but still being smart. I saw a lawyer, and really, it made me feel informed and empowered. That was good, haven't pressed or pursued since then. H is not a saint either, and he's not gushing and declaring his undying love for me either. Still doesn't say ILY or things like that. that's OK.
So, it's a work in progress. I'm happy and proud of me. Sure, I have my moments, but I try to get back up the best I can, and as quickly as I can, and it sure gets a different response from H. I do the same for him. I'm just trying to be more self-aware of the parter I project, how I am perceived and what I want in all of this.
One step at a time. Thanks for bearing with this long post.
Thanks for the update. You seem to be doing very well. I believe it is important to be self-aware and to reign in your anger sometimes. Be compassionate towards your H, remember he doesn't have the luxury of this board - he is just winging it on his own. Emotionally you are both in a very fragile state right now, unsure and scared. That's allright. You are feeling emotions that you have put aside while fighting for your marriage. When you feel the anger and the resentment, take a deep breath and remember how far you have come. Continue to be patient, things will improve over time.
Wow, that's good stuff. You and GH are so good at self-reflection and becoming aware of things almost immediately before they spiral out of control. Proud to know you. Hold on, you're doing well.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
This was a most amazing post. I read it last night before bed, and then read it again today. I am going to print it out, and then create my own list too. I think it will really help me to do so, especially articulating the fear that I must not allow to rule me but I do not acknowledge enough because I don't want it to be there. It's real, and it helps to say so - but also OK to feel the fear, and then move forward anyway - not let it run my decisions.
I am always inspired by you, your words resonate with me as if they were my own. I am grateful.
Quote: it's a work in progress. I'm happy and proud of me. Sure, I have my moments, but I try to get back up the best I can, and as quickly as I can, and it sure gets a different response from H. I do the same for him. I'm just trying to be more self-aware of the partner I project, how I am perceived and what I want in all of this.
Thanks for sharing your self so generously, with your H, and also with all of us.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
