Well, tomorrow is the day....that H comes home. I haven't seen him in close to a month, and with the exception for the 1 week I was home when I returned from my trip, we will have been apart for about 7-8 weeks. Whew.
How am I feeling? Anxious, but not too much. In check with my feelings and expectations...trying not to assume, but it's always worked better when I didn't expect any spectacular stuff from H. I think with all this time away from H, I did a lot of self-talk, processing, facing anger, feelings, etc...as I've demonstrated here on boards. It certainly doesn't mean I've closed those steps, but it's good to take a good look and take stock.
What will I do? Well, to reiterate what I've pounded in my threads (mostly for MYSELF), I will go back to loving detachment, seemed to really work before, for both H and I (my sanity and his introspection). It's all I can think to do that makes sense.
What do I fear? Of course, the pain and anxiety. I fear that H will simply "fall back" on me. I fear that H will now think that the ball is in MY court and pull the whole "no R talk, no pressure" stuff, from what he left off with, he thinks that this is a stage that I am evaluating things and not wanting M...so, role reversal that I don't intend. I fear not knowing the truth. I fear that I cannot trust again, always suspecting and worrying/checking as a part-time job.
What do I hope? I hope for peace in each of our hearts and the outcome that God and destiny have created for us, I hope we follow that path with happiness in our souls. I hope that each of us ends up doing what makes us happy--sometimes, that is what takes most courage of all. I hope to be the best person I can be, the person I want to be, at all times. I hope, in what time we have left together (a week or a lifetime) that I give the very best of myself to a person I love and cherish, no matter the outcome.
