I agree that ME is the focus for now, and she's not worth my time, but strangely, knowing who a person is allows me to reach that stage--weird, I know. I guess it's because, as I posted in Debcb's thread, during this A stuff, and all the lies, I felt that I was going insane. Mostly I kept my head up, out of the water, but inside, I felt I bobbed between 2 worlds....my world during day, work and free time with friends/family where things were REAL, I was ME, life was AUTHENTIC. Then, H comes in and any time spent with him was mostly a lie, he lied about stupid things. Slowly the 2 worlds merged and I felt my reality slip away when I didn't know what to believe and what not to. I began to feel that if I found something, however bad, I desired the knowledge...not to crucify H, not with fear of finding out something horrible, rather, to just grasp reality. It's like coming out of a hallucination...maybe I'm just not as strong as others, but H concocted so many lies, it's amazing, it's like life being turned into a cartoon.
Anyway, long explanation....BUT, I agree....it's all made me feel that I can see her, the REAL thing, and throw it away. Selfishly, I admit that a large part of my peace is knowing that she offers a basic need and gap of pain that H had....and not much else. Not to go overboard with PMA, but really, she's not 1/2 the woman, professional, or the mother I would like to be (she has a kid, I don't).
WHO CARES!!! Ha ha haha! That's the point, right??!!
Really, I feel great. Feel like I can focus on my life again, enter reality and just live life. I spend time thinking about friends, family, work, my passions and valuies in life, reading, my health/appearance. Months ago, I was so consumed with the failing M and desperate to save it. It's amazing to see how far I've come. I never thought it was possible, but I guess that's precisely when ALL things ARE possible.
