Thanks BI! Look forward to your witty and wise posts!
All was well today. Started the day with a great workout, felt good. Nice day at work, and a nice evening at home alone getting some house projects done. I like that.
Strangely, I found some misc. info about OW, who has been somewhat of a mystery to me, nothing important, but for some bizarre reason, it put me totally at ease. I feel peaceful and calm, and really able to detach, nicely. I have no idea why, maybe b/c the mystery is removed and now is a reality and it's easier to deal with? I don't feel insane? It's nice, and I want to hang onto this feeling. It's like I can build a profile of a person and deal with it, not letting my mind reel.
An example of how it made life easier: today, it cropped up in receipt that H bought a Christmas gift that was NICER than the same gift he bought for me months later (guilt gift, day after I found about OW)...it was a better model for her, slightly more expensive. Of course, it was a kick to the gut. I took a break, but didn't cry, didn't get hysterical. I cared so much less. That felt nice, sure it hurt, but not as much. I hope this doesn't mean less compassion and drive for the M. I'll process the pain at another time, when H is open to be honest, until then, I'm not gonna wage a mental war in my own head over ANYONE. Screw that.
Overall a nice day. H is coming back in about 4 days. I spend a little time thinking of expectations, just facing them now. What do I expect H to be like when he returns? The same:
* Cranky, aloof, rude, with moments of reaching out * Forced niceness out of guilt (I may be harsh here, now I think roles are a little flipped for us, sometimes I sense he feels like I did in the beginning of all this, eager to please and be nice out of "changing" and guilt, so I will be compassionate) * Moments of sincere comfort and happiness between us--tenuous and uncomfortable, just fragile. * Not ended with OW, FF's and that whole secret life * Little bombs with bank account, and other "discoveries" that hurt but are good to know.
Other news: lawyer called, can't meet with me this week and will on Monday after H gets back. Darn. Oh well.
Our anniversary is coming up....I've decided to 'maybe' get something for H, but maybe not and just chalk it up to a weird time for us and not feel guilty. I feel that doing so might be insincere and pressuring. Maybe something small.
So, that's it for now. I'm happy to have this time to gather strength and think through things before H gets back, so life isn't just strung together moments of reacting, but rather moments of LIVING.
