Thoughts for the day, feeling pretty darn good! After posting to Mama's thread, boosted myself up. Beautiful day, wearing a nice skirt, worked out this morning, and not much getting in the way of having a fantastic day!
I like the person I have become, returned to. Funny, as I left for the temporary separation a few weeks ago, H mentioned that he wanted me to get back to who I was before we dated again and got married...I feel like I'm doing that.
I feel confident, I don't care about OW or any other woman. I know the woman I am, and I like her a lot. I feel more passionate about life, something I feel I lost years ago. I like being cheery, happy and generally spirited about life, it's who I always was. But now, I cut loose from insecurities, fear, anger....of course, it comes back in waves, but I recover much more quickly from it to return to my old self. It feels good.
I feel empowered and independent. I will open up my own account and start getting finances in order, as well as details of my life. I will also see an attorney. Somehow, I feel that this is a sort of armor to what H throws me with OW stuff. I feel that at least I don't just sit around and gripe about it and feel like a doormat.
When H returns, I plan to go back to being his friend. To enjoying my life, with or without his participation. As a friend, I plan to be open to fun moments, great connections and being closer, however fleeting or superficial. I am done with holding back to get a reaction or return the same treatment. I just want to be me, and treat him as I would any friend, regardless of how he treats me. I am done with reacting to his moods/actions/inactions.
In the end, I want a partner that looks forward to sharing and building a life together. Sadly, in many ways, that was my #1 gripe about H in our M...he is so focused on HIM, and his life and work that US goes out the door, and he does little things here and there to make up, like the guilt gifts. So, though I want that with someone, H if he can, through this process I have learned that I can also create a wonderful life for myself, no waiting on that!
I will remain open to being compassionate to H. At the same time, I would like this phase to be a time I grow peace in my heart and healing. Either way, it can serve as a foundation for a new M with H, or it will reduce the baggage I carry away from this M into a new R with someone else.
Had a great, relaxing weekend. Looking forward to finishing projects at home before H returns. Looking forward to plans with friends this week and even a little volunteer project I thought of this weekend.
