Nice day today. Woke up and had a good cry, which was actually nice to get it out. Was planning on doing lots of yard work that H had started and suggested that I finish, but blew it off. More in the mood to do things for ME right now. I also find it rather strange that H still does things for the house for 'us' and talks about it and works at it, while saying he's still 'confused' and seeing OW. I try to avoid the whole 'we' part of life, and it's mostly him that holds that up. At least there's no pressure from my end.

Went into town for nothing special, bought some silly gifts for friends. Then, I bought some nice jewelry for MYSELF. I have NEVER bought jewelry for myself--what I have has been given to me by others. I LOVE it, but never buy it. So, that was a nice little empowering lift. A gift, for myself. All in all, I'm proud of the changes I've made, the painful introspection, owning up to things I did, and patience and understanding through this mess of H's.

Another little lift....a few weeks ago, I met a few men in the grocery store, off from their job. One in particular was quite flirty, and recognized me from elsewhere. He was attractive, and that was it. Well, today, I was in a store and saw a local charity calendar of "Men of Town XX" and he was in there. Well...that was a nice boost--nothing serious or worth thinking about but a self-esteem boost nonetheless.

So, nice day, all in all. Not feeling so angry towards H, but feeling empowered to be detached again, but with little things to protect myself. Somehow I feel that the lawyer appt and account change will be good for me, like I'm not just sitting back and letting go of all control of MY life. I'm still detached and rooting for the M, but I don't have to wait or be affected.

Who knows, I will still think it over. No harm in being informed.

Funny thoughts about OW and the A (yeah, I know, no serious thinking about it, just the quirky contradictions).

1) The trend I've seen with most folks with A is that sex stops a lot...in my case it stalled when H was in his furious phase (lot less often) and then became regular over the past 4 months or so, each time being more intimate and like old times, especially recently. I just felt H more comfortable. When I came back from vacation, he mentioned that he was eager from nothing for weeks while I was away. Is this a lie? Wonder what this indicates as to a PA vs EA?

2) H has mentioned several times that he sees me stronger, really has a lot of respect that I am able to face D as an option and not just be blindly fearful and desperate to avoid it, can talk about it rationally without breaking down. He said that I am less tied to his emotions, which is nice for him (he doesn't feel panicked that I will react negatively to everything he does/doesn't do--which is a big trauma point for him after my bouts of anger in our M), he says I am stronger with more working out and just stronger as a woman and I can see that this is attractive to him. YET...YET...YET....the OW and other FF's of his are really, really whiney, needy, throwing themselves on him type of gals....and he likes this!? It makes him feel needed.

Weird. I'll never fully understand the contradictions.

Any thoughts?