Whew. Big day. I thought that drama of A would be gone when H was out, but I guess not.
First, let's start with the good. I had a great day at work. One of those days full of laughs, enjoyed the presence and talent of my co-workers. Fabulous meetings and conference calls (hey, it's not every day you say that!!) and just generally excited about the things I have going on there. Felt like a good professional today.
Now, to the drama: I checked the bank account, since it's our JOINT account and I check it to balance. Well, since all this started, something as innocent as checking the account or phone bill has been walking a mine field of bombs and discoveries...essentially punches to the stomach for me. I saw that before H left, he wrote a CHECK to OW--usually he takes out cash for whatever, but this was pretty bold of him, or lazy, or both. I also noted that she paid their secret phone bill the next day, so I'm assuming it was for that? This also means that he saw her before he left, and avoided seeing me, but left a nice v-mail for me and we had a nice conversation. I was FURIOUS, ANGRY, everything. Cursing God and myself for not letting this go. I know no expectations, no assumptions that things have ended, but it's still a kick in the gut all the same. Just when I thought I turned the corner with H. Why say you want to live with honor, imply that it's ending and that you spent time with me since you were back and then this? He volunteered this information. Maybe this was the tail, or it's still continuing.
All in all, it doesn't matter where things are. All that matters is MY reaction, my feelings. Once I sobered up, but still reeling, I had one thought. I have no idea what direction this will go, for either of us. So, here is my testament to detachment, again.
I will be H's friend. I have no idea how long this M will last. I have no idea about the A and what that is in all of this. Until then, I know who I am and who I want to be in life, not the woman I was in the M. Regardless of the A and all of H's faults, I keep my sins separate and regret them deeply. That's all I claim stake to. I will not be pulled by OW or other FF's he has. I will not let myself be pulled by the A and let that speak for the woman I am now. I will let nothing by myself control my emotions, insecurities, fear, etc. Like my C said, the emotional baggage is in H's doorstep, not mine. Until then, I just want to be a friend, have a great time, for whatever time we have left together. No strings, no expectations. Sure, I'll have sex (that never stopped...stalled, but never stopped, which is weird when H in an A, which he claims was no sex, whatever). I don't care what he does with anyone else. I will treat this like he's a dear friend, with whom I have limited time, and would like to enjoy the company of, and love them for who they are. In an ideal world, if we did D or not, this is the R I would like to have with H. No focus on pain, anger, insecurity....IF we choose to have a M again, THEN, I will experience these emotions. For now, he's not in a M while in an A, and I won't expect that from him, just a friendship. Each day I will wake up and have a great day, live well, and wait until the day that it's time to move on. I will not expect this to work or not to work, I will only trust that when the time comes, I will know what I must do for ME. That's the way all big things in my life have come, and I know this will be the same.
What am I feeling? Empowered. This is MY life. I will take it back. On that note, I want to live fully and be prepared. I know myself, I let things go when in grief or a fit of emotions....so I thought that it would be better to know all about D process NOW, when I was stable rather than waiting until a time that might come where I am really emotional from a break, IF that is what happens. I scheduled an appointment with a lawyer for next Friday...just to know the facts, the process, NOTHING ELSE. Again, I am empowered, that's all. I am also opening up my own account. I cannot handle the agony of checking the joint account for balancing. Again, being empowered, detached but still loving and in the M.
H is in a fog, as I was. While I wait to see the outcome, and try to be a loving friend, I have to also do small things to protect me, without turning away.
Funny, in all of this, this is a time when H has come around the most, really reaching out, in our R talk, that he wants this. But, he's not there yet. So, I don't pressure. He needs to find his way, as I did mine.
Who knows how I'll feel next week, but for now, I'm feeling good.
