Yes, venting. All of today, also feeling lots of anger, pain. Intense pain. It's funny, I don't even have all the facts, haven't reached the whole "disclosure" phase, if I will at all. So, a little unhappy that I'm in this facing the pain stage, but oh well, feels healthy.
I just read GH's post on another thread and was reminded of the purpose of detachment, and then posted something myself that was quite compassionate....about being in a fog myself in our M, and now it's H's time to be in the fog. He waited for me and patiently forgave a lot of pain I caused, so I guess it's up to me to do the same?
This morning I had an interesting thought. About H being "crazy" for OW (as he stated long ago). I guess, in some odd way, part of me is jealous. In my entire life, H is the only person I have been really, deeply in love with. I know that I am that for him as well....but I don't think I've had that "crazy" feeling for anyone that I can remember. I guess I was jealous b/c I want that....with someone....why? An escape...I'm so sick of being in pain, confused, lied to, analyzing, reachign deep down ad putting a smile on, waiting....I just want to let go and fall in love, that excitement and thrill of being with someone with no baggage, someone easy, someone fun. Ya know, that's what H said OW was, an escape, running away from me. So, I guess it's not real, deep love I'm looking for, but the feeling, the rush. I'm a little jealous. I guess it's not falling in love, it's infactuation, escape, a pain killer.
I'm still jealous.
Oh, the weird feelings we encounter in our journey's. Hmmm.
Hi Always, I don't have much to add other than I am beginning to agree with you. I want that infatuation feeling too. I have it for my H, but he definitely doesn't have it for me. I NEED someone, anyone at this point, to have that feeling for me. I guess it is my ego talking but I feel so stupid. Like why I am trying to save something that clearly is over, as far as my H is concerned. I know alot of this is PMS talking, I seem to get this way at least once a month, but I can't take much more of this. I hugged him before he went to bed tonight and he rolled his eyes like "oh jeez, what is she doing now". Sometimes I think I'm just selfish and thinking of myself only but come on, why the heck is he still here if he wants nothing to do with me?
I went on to Newmans website: fortysixty.org, it deals with MLC, so if I understand it correctly I am the first one he trys to get away from and the last one, even after pets, that he tries to reconcile with.
My question is, how long do I do this? If we continue in a platonic R whose to say this won't repeat itself in the future; i.e. another A.
Sorry for rambling and the hijack. Had a few beers and no one is responding to my thread...
A14 - you're dreaming up a ficticious world. Think about reality of D, read some of the people that are in the middle of it, how ugly it is, the dating scene, waking up with pillow hair and morning mouth and there is a new head on the pillow next to you.... Did I shake you out of fairytale lala land?
Mamabear - where's your thread? We all want love, to love and be loved. How long do you do this? only you know that answer. Why is he still there with you? probably no one knows that answer, not you, not even him. But he is still there, that's positive. Can you agree?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW, thanks for responding. I'm over in Infidelity land. "the platonic relationship continues". If you or others have any words of wisdom I would surely appreciate it. I would love to hear from others who are actually farther along than me, who have been there done that. If my H is no longer attracted to me, I have a hard time with that. I am now at leat 25 pounds lighter than when this started. I wear more up to date stylish, sexy clothes and am no longer ashamed of my body. I'm sure you mom's can relate, I no longer resembled the woman he married after 6 pregnancies....yes, my hair is shorter but come on, if all you are after is long hair, then you are very superficial and you don't deserve me in the first place....
WCW--yeah, slapped out of that fantasy....I know, it was fantasy land...but hey, that's what this 2 week break is for, right??
I guess my desire for that same thing, is also a way for me to better understand H. Believe me, if presented with the scenario, I couldn't go for it. H and I are different people...he needed something to medicate him away from life, whereas an A for me would only be annoying b/c I would still be obsessed with the M.
However, I understand the need for attention, the charm, the laughs and the fun.
Hoo boy! I can soooooo identify with you, Always14! I still go through days where I wish I could've also had that falling in love feeling again. Eh! But, it passes, and one gets on with the business of real life.
I think your allowing these feelings to come out now, while your H is away, is good, and needed. No-one can continue very long, keeping these feelings bottled up without having a breakdown of sorts.
All the best.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Whew. Big day. I thought that drama of A would be gone when H was out, but I guess not.
First, let's start with the good. I had a great day at work. One of those days full of laughs, enjoyed the presence and talent of my co-workers. Fabulous meetings and conference calls (hey, it's not every day you say that!!) and just generally excited about the things I have going on there. Felt like a good professional today.
Now, to the drama: I checked the bank account, since it's our JOINT account and I check it to balance. Well, since all this started, something as innocent as checking the account or phone bill has been walking a mine field of bombs and discoveries...essentially punches to the stomach for me. I saw that before H left, he wrote a CHECK to OW--usually he takes out cash for whatever, but this was pretty bold of him, or lazy, or both. I also noted that she paid their secret phone bill the next day, so I'm assuming it was for that? This also means that he saw her before he left, and avoided seeing me, but left a nice v-mail for me and we had a nice conversation. I was FURIOUS, ANGRY, everything. Cursing God and myself for not letting this go. I know no expectations, no assumptions that things have ended, but it's still a kick in the gut all the same. Just when I thought I turned the corner with H. Why say you want to live with honor, imply that it's ending and that you spent time with me since you were back and then this? He volunteered this information. Maybe this was the tail, or it's still continuing.
All in all, it doesn't matter where things are. All that matters is MY reaction, my feelings. Once I sobered up, but still reeling, I had one thought. I have no idea what direction this will go, for either of us. So, here is my testament to detachment, again.
I will be H's friend. I have no idea how long this M will last. I have no idea about the A and what that is in all of this. Until then, I know who I am and who I want to be in life, not the woman I was in the M. Regardless of the A and all of H's faults, I keep my sins separate and regret them deeply. That's all I claim stake to. I will not be pulled by OW or other FF's he has. I will not let myself be pulled by the A and let that speak for the woman I am now. I will let nothing by myself control my emotions, insecurities, fear, etc. Like my C said, the emotional baggage is in H's doorstep, not mine. Until then, I just want to be a friend, have a great time, for whatever time we have left together. No strings, no expectations. Sure, I'll have sex (that never stopped...stalled, but never stopped, which is weird when H in an A, which he claims was no sex, whatever). I don't care what he does with anyone else. I will treat this like he's a dear friend, with whom I have limited time, and would like to enjoy the company of, and love them for who they are. In an ideal world, if we did D or not, this is the R I would like to have with H. No focus on pain, anger, insecurity....IF we choose to have a M again, THEN, I will experience these emotions. For now, he's not in a M while in an A, and I won't expect that from him, just a friendship. Each day I will wake up and have a great day, live well, and wait until the day that it's time to move on. I will not expect this to work or not to work, I will only trust that when the time comes, I will know what I must do for ME. That's the way all big things in my life have come, and I know this will be the same.
What am I feeling? Empowered. This is MY life. I will take it back. On that note, I want to live fully and be prepared. I know myself, I let things go when in grief or a fit of emotions....so I thought that it would be better to know all about D process NOW, when I was stable rather than waiting until a time that might come where I am really emotional from a break, IF that is what happens. I scheduled an appointment with a lawyer for next Friday...just to know the facts, the process, NOTHING ELSE. Again, I am empowered, that's all. I am also opening up my own account. I cannot handle the agony of checking the joint account for balancing. Again, being empowered, detached but still loving and in the M.
H is in a fog, as I was. While I wait to see the outcome, and try to be a loving friend, I have to also do small things to protect me, without turning away.
Funny, in all of this, this is a time when H has come around the most, really reaching out, in our R talk, that he wants this. But, he's not there yet. So, I don't pressure. He needs to find his way, as I did mine.
Who knows how I'll feel next week, but for now, I'm feeling good.
Whew. Big day. I thought that drama of A would be gone when H was out, but I guess not.
First, let's start with the good. I had a great day at work. One of those days full of laughs, enjoyed the presence and talent of my co-workers. Fabulous meetings and conference calls (hey, it's not every day you say that!!) and just generally excited about the things I have going on there. Felt like a good professional today.
Now, to the drama: I checked the bank account, since it's our JOINT account and I check it to balance. Well, since all this started, something as innocent as checking the account or phone bill has been walking a mine field of bombs and discoveries...essentially punches to the stomach for me. I saw that before H left, he wrote a CHECK to OW--usually he takes out cash for whatever, but this was pretty bold of him, or lazy, or both. I also noted that she paid their secret phone bill the next day, so I'm assuming it was for that? This also means that he saw her before he left, and avoided seeing me, but left a nice v-mail for me and we had a nice conversation. I was FURIOUS, ANGRY, everything. Cursing God and myself for not letting this go. I know no expectations, no assumptions that things have ended, but it's still a kick in the gut all the same. Just when I thought I turned the corner with H. Why say you want to live with honor, imply that it's ending and that you spent time with me since you were back and then this? He volunteered this information. Maybe this was the tail, or it's still continuing.
All in all, it doesn't matter where things are. All that matters is MY reaction, my feelings. Once I sobered up, but still reeling, I had one thought. I have no idea what direction this will go, for either of us. So, here is my testament to detachment, again.
I will be H's friend. I have no idea how long this M will last. I have no idea about the A and what that is in all of this. Until then, I know who I am and who I want to be in life, not the woman I was in the M. Regardless of the A and all of H's faults, I keep my sins separate and regret them deeply. That's all I claim stake to. I will not be pulled by OW or other FF's he has. I will not let myself be pulled by the A and let that speak for the woman I am now. I will let nothing by myself control my emotions, insecurities, fear, etc. Like my C said, the emotional baggage is in H's doorstep, not mine. Until then, I just want to be a friend, have a great time, for whatever time we have left together. No strings, no expectations. Sure, I'll have sex (that never stopped...stalled, but never stopped, which is weird when H in an A, which he claims was no sex, whatever). I don't care what he does with anyone else. I will treat this like he's a dear friend, with whom I have limited time, and would like to enjoy the company of, and love them for who they are. In an ideal world, if we did D or not, this is the R I would like to have with H. No focus on pain, anger, insecurity....IF we choose to have a M again, THEN, I will experience these emotions. For now, he's not in a M while in an A, and I won't expect that from him, just a friendship. Each day I will wake up and have a great day, live well, and wait until the day that it's time to move on. I will not expect this to work or not to work, I will only trust that when the time comes, I will know what I must do for ME. That's the way all big things in my life have come, and I know this will be the same.
What am I feeling? Empowered. This is MY life. I will take it back. On that note, I want to live fully and be prepared. I know myself, I let things go when in grief or a fit of emotions....so I thought that it would be better to know all about D process NOW, when I was stable rather than waiting until a time that might come where I am really emotional from a break, IF that is what happens. I scheduled an appointment with a lawyer for next Friday...just to know the facts, the process, NOTHING ELSE. Again, I am empowered, that's all. I am also opening up my own account. I cannot handle the agony of checking the joint account for balancing. Again, being empowered, detached but still loving and in the M.
H is in a fog, as I was. While I wait to see the outcome, and try to be a loving friend, I have to also do small things to protect me, without turning away.
Funny, in all of this, this is a time when H has come around the most, really reaching out, in our R talk, that he wants this. But, he's not there yet. So, I don't pressure. He needs to find his way, as I did mine.
Who knows how I'll feel next week, but for now, I'm feeling good.
Always, good for you! You need to feel empowered. That is great. I am so glad that you have a career and your own income, this way you do not have to be dependant on your H (as I currently am). But, the tone of your post sounds like you are ready to throw in the towel. Please don't do it. Look how far the both of you have come. Look, you have practically told me the same thing - don't give up just because you are loosing patience. Think back to when the bomb was dropped, wasn't it much worse back then? Anyway, I am glad that you are looking out for YOU. Like I said in my thread, we do not NEED our spouses, we will be fine without them. But...we really want them and wish that things will improve to the point where our relationship is better than ever. Give it a little more time, come on, what really do you have to loose? Take Care, Mama
Hey there!!! I just posted to YOU. How nice. Can you tell I'm bored on a Friday night, but really, enjoying the time alone!!! OK, 3rd glass of wine.
No, not giving up or throwing in the towel. I'm still lovingly detached and feeling I can do this when he gets home. It worked for me before, and I want to continue. I also want to set boundaries for myself and get information...it will make me feel I have some sort of control over this situation. With all the lying, etc, I've been feeling a little insane in my own life. Just a grasp of reality. BUT, I have to rethink the intentions. If I open my own bank account, is it to protect my $ or to never look at the joint account again? If I go over D details and get information, is it b/c it's something I think about as a possibility and am afraid that H will rip mne off (he would never).
Or am I doing these things b/c I want some sort of "independent behavior" as H did with his A? I'm bring brutally honest with my intentions here....but, where else can I do this, right?
