A New Phase

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Always, Checking in on you is such an inspiration for me. I realize that the insecurity and longing and loneliness and need for patience gets to me sometimes. Reading your posts gives me remarkable hope and courage. Today you articulated for me why DBing is worthwhile:

I will reach down for my compassion, which, really, is not as hidden as I think. I will try to focus on days when he was a fabulous H. I will focus on all the things in ME that I want different and work on keeping those things changed. I NEED to hear the full story, I NEED a full apology, I NEED an H who doesn't lie anymore, who wants an authentic M, who wants to work on a great M, who wants to put in the effort for that M. I KNOW that I will face much more painful details about the A, most of which I have already imagined in my head--nonetheless, they will still be fresh when I hear them....I have to face my pain and let it go, but not harbor it for life against H. That was then, this is now. I FEAR being second best, the back-up, an obligation, fall-back, a duty, or the easy choice. H told me he fears the same, and always has.

You are so right about the need to face the pain and get through it to have a really authentic trusting relationship. I am not at all there yet with my H, we are much earlier - I am mostly operating in gentle, compassionate, friendly, and often "act as if" to get through our interactions. Believe it or not, I look forward to a time where my H and I can share our pain and hurt and disappointment - that will be a major step forward towards a new R. Meanwhile, you give me hope! Where I am aligned with you right now is here:

Today, I'm putting thoughts of H out of mind and enjoying the beautiful days. I want to focus on stepping outside of myself and really seeing ME...who I am and who I want to be.

That we will both do, together, today! Thanks for being here, and doing what you're doing, Always.