WCW, SH, deb--thanks for the responses. You have no idea how much reading your response posts mean.
You're right, WCW, a little scared at my anger now. But it's also obvious to me that this has been stored up, pent up and that scares me even more. It's what I did to cope through "detachment", which I got so good at. I kept telling myself, "think about these things later..." and NOW is later, I guess. But, later will come again, when/if H decides to come clean about things and actually live his life with "honor" as he stated he wants to do. Up to him, not me.
This morning, I woke up and asked myself if I was in love with H---No. I do love him, though. I am hurt by him, I feel he is totally different now, I don't believe him, he's in a fog. When he comes out, probably I can be in love again, but not with who he is now.
I do remember though, that most of my feelings now are what he felt in the M as well. Ex: I'm sick of being treated so poorly....so was he. I'm so sick of dealing with someone like they're "game" I have to win..."don't say this, or this will happen...be careful to not do this, or they will explode" and not being authentic or real. He felt the same way with my anger, controlling, criticisms, demands, etc, like walking a minefield and not authentic the way he wanted. I can remember a time when he really wanted authentic, both working at a great M....I was not mature enough to handle that vision then...I'm sad for him.
So, these days while he's gone, I let myself wallow in anger, disgust, pain and hate. Then I also swing to the things I did, and wallow in guilt, pain for H, intense regret and remorse.
Funny, H and I have always thought we go through similar cycles together or close together....as I mentioned, this is exactly what he went through while I was gone....pain and guilt. Hate and love. He indicated he was at a point of wanting to let it go and move past that....I guess I have to get there too, and he has to get all of it out.
The thing that could be deadliest is if either one of us curbs our chances of completely getting out/facing our pain....that should not be a halt in the process...but no more "OK, enough of this phase, get over it..." That was a big mistake we made before. Talk about it, again and again. Soothe the other person.
A few things: I will be lovingly detached when H comes home. I will once again go into "feeling crazy" mode with his lies and "acting as if." I will reach down for my compassion, which, really, is not as hidden as I think. I will try to focus on days when he was a fabulous H. I will focus on all the things in ME that I want different and work on keeping those things changed. I NEED to hear the full story, I NEED a full apology, I NEED an H who doesn't lie anymore, who wants an authentic M, who wants to work on a great M, who wants to put in the effort for that M. I KNOW that I will face much more painful details about the A, most of which I have already imagined in my head--nonetheless, they will still be fresh when I hear them....I have to face my pain and let it go, but not harbor it for life against H. That was then, this is now. I FEAR being second best, the back-up, an obligation, fall-back, a duty, or the easy choice. H told me he fears the same, and always has. It's been a real insecurity of his.
So, it's good to take stock of these things and know that it's what I have to work with for the future. Keep controlling my actions, and see what impact t hey have. You're right WCW, our last big R talk before H left was really rounding the corner, I was shocked at how much H saw in changes and how much he turned around and wanted our M. I had lost belief that my actions mattered.
Until then, I'm having a great time these weeks. Had a friend over last night, just talked and laughed. Today, I'm putting thoughts of H out of mind and enjoying the beautiful days. I want to focus on stepping outside of myself and really seeing ME...who I am and who I want to be.
