Having a good and bad time these past few days. Kinda shocked at my own feelings--since I was feeling quite calm and stable during my last post. Now, I'm not fighting the emotions, letting them come out, since this is what our time apart is for....also, healthier.
The good: * Ravenous appetite. Nice, since 2 people this weekend told me that I looked bad, had lost too much weight. I can't seem to stop being hungry...it's as if all the appetite suppression of stress with H is sucking like a vacuum now that he's gone. * I LOVE being home without him--I love the space, no walking on eggshells, no pretending, no gearing up to put on a face, no suppression of feelings, no forced conversations, no pretending not to know the lies and swallow them when faced with the lies ("oh really, you worked really late tonight, huh"). No playing dumb. * I feel relaxed--talking to family and friends that I was too stressed before to do. Enjoying hobbies and getting things in the house DONE. Cranking up the music, enjoying a drink and living MY life. Going out with friends. * This weekend, had the BEST time with friends. Saturday was one of the happiest days I've had in a LONG time, and I thought of H so little....when I left the door, I was so happy he wasn't here. * For some reason, my mind and body is so much more relaxed and peaceful about the next 2 weeks, things I want to do, etc. * I find myself counting days until H is back....wishing that I could extend the time....I'm excited for him though.
Bad things--again, suprised at feeling these things...I guess I'm indulging in the luxury of not pushing negative stimuli/thoughts out of my head and "pushing through" as when H is here...even when we were separated, just knowing he was close by was stressful, I guess. * Something that has seeped very little these past months, on the post or otherwise--ANGER. I cannot stop seeing red when thinking of H. All I feel is rage. I really, sincerely, HATE him. I know it's a strong word, but I mean it. I want to call him mean names and tell him how pathetic he is, how little integrity he has, I want to yell at him and hurt his feelings. I have these INTENSE feelings of anger, and I'm scared I can't get over that. * I am slowly thinking/facing the details of A that I pushed out of my mind when I found them these months....ex: what was the receipt for? What was that withdrawal for....I am getting nauseaus thinking of this...sick to my stomach that this is my life. No pretending anymore in my mind, I guess this is me out of denial. Wondering: Was he "in love" with her? Does he miss her now? Does he wonder about her? * I see other couples and see little things that indicate love and closeness and trust, remember a day I thought I had these things and really don't believe that I can again. How much of that is lost. A lot. I am shocked at how much my brain doesn't even think on the "married mode" anymore....how I don't think of H when making plans or talking to others, how I don't think of us as "us/we" anymore, how I can't imagine life with kids, happily with him. Not in an angry way, just detached and indifferent. I'm also intensely sad to think of good days we had in the past, and realized that this is the part of splitting that would hurt the most...the memories....and they are fading too (or I'm just good at forgetting). * Losing my compassion. I could muster that easier than I find myself able to these days. Of course, I remember my sins, they hurt and I have regret, but my compassion and understanding that I spewed on my thread and others is out right now. I just see someone I really dislike now. * I find myself praying that H leaves me, says he is madly in love with OW. Or I find myself praying that one day I wake up and it just feels "right" to leave. I get angry at myself and God at why I can't do that.
I know I sound really negative now, but I'm doing quite well. It's just that I'm scared at WHY I'm doing well. I'm scared that when H is back, that disconnet will be there again. Sure, we had a few nice weekends, but how much of that was forced b/c of what was going on and unspoken. With all this time apart, I'm finding myself realizing that I just don't think I can do that acting stuff again....I regret my actions, I will take all the blame, but it's gonna be hard to go back to patience and blindness.
I guess I'm feeling lost at how to get out of the anger, the confusion, the lies, and rebuilding anything.
I'm venting here b/c I know that next week I'm gonna have to get myself in a good position before H comes back. I realize that this facing my pain and not stuffing it down is good for me, therapeutic....so I'm doing it, here on the boards and myself. This is what H did when I was gone too....faced his pain and his guilt and that he loved me. He said he was miserable when I was gone, hating me, facing his denied pain and also realizing how much he forgot about me that was good.
One thing that gives me hope is something that I read on Sven's thread: that couples that go through hard times, really really hard times, come out much stronger....he said that it was a Dr. that did a real study with stats and everything....what a breath of fresh air. I guess there's a way out of this tunnel....just too dark to see now. Until then, I'll keep clawing the best I can.
I have this pendant around my neck that is a reminder of something important to me during this time: act genuine, but kind. when you feel raw emotions, hate or anger, these are authentic, but temper them with your authentic emotions of love, kindness,b/c this is real too, and mixed with the bad. above all: reach DEEP down inside of you, at the lowest times when you can't do it anymore, for an extra ounce of strength, courage and grace.
