H is now out of town for 2 weeks...I had a business trip the day before he left, and got the hint that he didn't want to see me before leaving. No worries. I left a small gift for him at home (something I did without expectation and as for a friend) and called to chat on Wed night (the day he was very "angry" and rude) to say goodbye--I was cheery on the phone to deflect any of his potential nastiness--like WCW said, his moods are not my worry.
When I called, he was actually quite nice. Earlier in the day, I was upset b/c I had seen some a red flag charge to the account (of course, being so mistrustful now, everything seems like a red flag). I haven't been asking about charges for months now, but this time, I felt I had to. My $$ that I work for is also in the account, and I do have a right, as long as it's respectful/peaceful. He answered and turned out he was telling the truth.
When I called to say goodbye, he was very pleasant. He came out and apologized for being rude/mean, and said he was with everyone, not just me, and he didn't want me to apologize for anything. I accepted. He did mention that he was frustrated that I questioned him on charges, but felt he deserved it. I agreed, and pointed out that there were MANY things I wanted to question, but didn't, and I had a right to here, and did it calmly and in a non-accusatory manner. I held my tongue, but I thought "gee, you're taking the better part of a year to learn to trust my changes, and you're frustrated that I question 1 charge when you're STILL lying to me?" But, I held back....my time will come. I guess I was impatient with his trust in the beginning too.
All in all, it was a nice converstation. He was tired, but nice. Actually stayed on the phone with me (even when I said I would let him go), we talked about a lot of things in life, values, etc. At one point, he said he "hoped he made me proud" with his work and how others saw him as my "husband" in reference to his work. I was shocked...didn't think he cared about even being my husband at this point. He thanked me for talking his work up with some clients, said it made it easier (so he recognizes the support). I told him that it mattered more that HE was proud of his work. He complained a lot in the conversation that the last 2 weeks (the time of our separation) he's never been in worst shape/health, overworked, eating horrible. I didn't say anything. I've always tried to show him that I've been doing well, and I have.
I emailed him a short, friendly, goodbye note the next day, before I left, didn't call or see him, b/c I got the feeling he didn't want to. No worries....just an email I would give anyone. He actually emailed me, wished me luck, said he would be there in spirit and thanked me for support.
I'm feeling good about my "outreaches of friendly gestures" the last days...don't feel it as pressure or chasing, b/c I make sure I only do things that I would for any dear friend and like for a friend, I have NO expectations. Mainly, I don't want actions from my end to be awkward, aloof, like I can't treat him as a friend b/c I have hard feelings and act in passive/aggressive ways. It's OK if that's the way he feels/acts, I respect that. For me, I would like things to come out as friendly, no matter what his reactions/actions.
Today, when I returned, I saw that I got a voice message (on cell) that he called to see how my event today went (shocker...he hasn't called ME, voluntarily, for ANYTHING in SEVEN months--NO JOKE). He wished me luck in an event tomorrow, said "miss ya" and was a nice, supportive message. I was shocked at how much it meant to me....it really did. But, not reading into it much.
Sorry for snooping...but found that he stopped calling OW from cell days ago, and she did too. Wonder if that ended, if it was painful for him, he misses her, or if they've just found another way to contact if they suspected I knew. Oh well. I think it's ended...esp. since H said that since I got back, he's only spent time with me and one of OW's whiney v-mails confirmed this....sorta sounded like he was letting that end anyway, and he indicated that his upcoming trip would be the final. I didn't ask questions, didn't request...NOTHING....this has to end or continue WITHOUT my hand....something he needs to do of his will, desire. I'm not getting hopeful here....I fully expect this not to have ended.
So, I'm glad that I tried to end things before his trip on a nice note--we'll have no contact for 2 weeks. Nice that he reached out as well, I didn't expect it. At the very least, we're being caring and respectful.
So, for 2 weeks, I'm a single gal!!! I've got some house projects, some busy stuff with work and plans to chill with good friends. Among those tasks, I plan to continue being grounded and bracing myself for us living together again when he returns....the loving detachment (more of a necessity when living at home) while we're still in limbo and possible A.
Overall, I feel great about me. I don't feel it a struggle to make the "changes" in myself or M. I regret so much of my behavior in M, but am willing to give it my best for the remainder of the time we have together....whether that's forever or just this year. I'm not bent on "trying" to save the M, I'm thinking less, the last days, of OW, the A. I miss H like a vacant spot in my life, but I miss the old H, not the person he's been lately. I miss him not desperately, knowing that life will be OK if the vacant spot should be permanent, knowing that the spot will get smaller. I'm filled with more happy memories of our time together, and not just bitterness and blaming. I feel so much more compassion and understanding for H as a friend....I see his faults, vulnerabilities and imperfections without frustration....I love these things about him and want to take care of that in him, as I would for a dear, dear friend.
