A New Phase

[Underdog]

Hi Always!

I saw your request in G's thread, so I'm here. I've been reading sporadically and have kept up with your sitch...

Keep up the good work! You're keeping your wits about you and have some great goals and ideas. Stick with your plan.

I feel that while I was at home, he was moving away from her WITHOUT these symptoms, so now I kick myself for leaving. The last thing I want is for this to be a forced separation/ending...where it's painful, teary and MEMORABLE.

Just remember that you have choices. Don't feel as though there are none...

So maybe I'm just flattering myself in thinking that this is his reaction to my possible leaving him.

Well, first of all, I don't believe you're flattering yourself. However, it's really a cheeseless tunnel to try and play armchair shrink to contemplate all the possible reasons for his angry attitude. Don't give in to the temptation to personalize this. My guess is that you've come this far, but he's still working some of this stuff out.

"Anger is about how I feel, not about what you are doing."

I picked that gem up from listening to a set of CDs on anger a couple years ago and have listened to them again. So if you can reframe all of this in that context, you can understand that he's not comfortable with how he feels.

Back off, give him some time and continue to stick to your game plan.

My only thoughts on dealing with this authentically are to let him know when he's crossed the line in being rude. You can say firmly but not unkindly, "Honey, I know that things are a bit confusing right now, but I didn't deserve to be treated so harshly and I'd appreciate it if you'd address me with a more respectful tone."

I've had to do that myself a time or two (in the early stages of our S) and it was memorable enough for him to change. Even when Mr. W. gets pissy with me now, I often don't have to wait very long for him to call me back and offer an apology for acting like a d!ck.

Take a deep breath, friend, and keep on keeping on. You'll get this figured out with some time, space and healing. I know it seems horribly lengthy, but this process isn't quick or easy.

Heck, I keep thinking I'm all finished with my own, but periodically I get reminders that I'm not all the way there yet. Patience. Kindness. And lots of self affirmation...

Hugs,

Betsey

p.s. Just so you know that authentic communication is always on my own agenda, I had to practice mine last Friday in one doozy of a conversation. I did it through sobs and oddly enough, Mr. W. was extremely compassionate and empathetic. I got home later that afternoon to find a gift from him to me on my counter. A very generous gift, at that. It pays to be authentic (literally and figuratively)!