Great advice PL!!! Thanks for posting. I really needed this today. I think our R talk last week turned a corner for H, and he's still really fragile, feeling VERY guilty, etc. You're right, patience, time together. Truthfully, it's the time together, moments of talking, laughing, etc. that turned that corner. BUT, it was also the time apart that we had, that H was able to face his pain, and start remembering the good things about me, and start facing what he had done.
As I mentioned, I moved out mostly for him....giving his "single life" wish a try, and giving him more space to go deeper into facing his feelings. Maybe that's the lack of contact from him now, he's facing negative feelings about me and doesn't want to talk to me. Very possible.
I probably should have stayed....but he seemed so encouraging that I thought it was for him too...all in all, I think this will be a good thing for us. I hope so. I guess one fear is that we had a level of comfort before I left that I fear I have to take time, again, to rebuild.
So, I've decided that when he gets back, I'll stay. Go at it again, the same way I did before I left. We'll see where this goes. I'm willing to be patient, but I also need some give, some evidence, etc.
Funny, he said that this would be good for us, to be friends and date again....but he has never made a call to me, pushed away my offers to date, etc.
Oh well, I'm so tired of analyzing, now I just want to get back on the wagon as I was before.
I tend to regret the decision to leave, but then get frustrated that I'm in this stage of eggshells, where I'm always trying to interpret, decipher, etc. his messages to make the best decision only to wonder if it was the right one, or whether it will blow things apart.
Again, I feel like I'm rambling, but thanks for all the advice. I need to make sure that I put this apart time to good use. Focus on me. A few goals:
1) Try to face the A, and how I feel about it. I need to go back to the M knowing that I will work on forgiving, not harboring ill feelings that come out in fights, etc. for years.
2) Try to work on me. If we reconcile, I want to give my all. Be the best me in a M.
3) Focus on things in H that I want--so that I'm prepared to assess if it's going in a place I want.
4) Focus on things in the M, BETWEEN, us that I want--better communication, honesty, etc.
I'm ready to get back on the train and give it my all, as I did before, when he gets back. This space with our vacations and me moving out kind of interrupted that....which was also good b/c I think through this process, each of us needs down time to think, process, feel, etc--we also got a lot out of it. It's hard for me to believe that the goodness we expressed to each other, the momentum of that, will be deleted with some respectful, peaceful space.
Speaking of time, that was always an issue in our M, by force of job. We never had time together, and had a very stressful life. Now, H has lots of time at work and then avoids coming home and the A. Recently, since I've been back from vacation, he's made an effort to really spend time, being proactive to plan things, none of which I expect or ask for. He even came to me and opened a discussion how work would be getting better in hours for him soon, and felt that I should know. I see that as his effort to make things better.
One thing that I'm trying to do with this time apart is to recall all the positive steps he's made, all his efforts recently. It's sometimes hard to remember those things when you're at ground level.
Whew, OK. No more confusion. Just focusing on my goals with my alone time, and getting back to positive.
