Ellie is a smart woman, as you are, WCW!!! All that gals and guys on this board are none short on wisdom! I appreciate your input. I'm just so confused now....during this entire process I can't say I've been as confused as I am now...I guess it also has to do with my fear of rejection, etc.
I talked to C last night....she felt the same as Ellie and my BF. That he was pushing, rejecting as a defense mechanism of preparing for me to leave him. Also, she thought that he may be pushing away b/c of feelings of guilt. While I think these are true, and definately a mark of his past behaviors in our R's, it still hurts to be rejected. I emailed him something nice last night and no response. But OW gets 15 txt messages (no calls, but they probably saw each other). So, part of me also wants to think, you're being naive and stupid. He was waiting for the time that you left, and this is what he wanted. He's being rude and pushing away just to not give me mixed signals.
C said that after his return, I should stay at home. Go on as we were before I left. See where things go, but don't say/bring anything up. Let him have the ball in his court. I felt good about this last night.
This morning, as I was driving into work, waking up, I felt a surge of panic come across me. I don't want to live at home with him while this goes on. I liked waking up not wondering what lie I was going to hear, facing that this weirdness is my life, my fake M, not wondering why he's late, who he's called, who he's seeing. It took so much effort to shut myself down to that.
Besides, maybe, like I said, I'm reading this all wrong. Maybe he likes being single, not necessarily with OW. Just being free of me. His rejection is closing the coffin on that. Maybe he's been waiting for the day I was OK with taking the steps to move and get a D, b/c he also has a fear of hurting me/leaving.
Until then, I'm just focusing on me, being happy, stable and sorting through the million other components of my own life.
I'm so confused, but it's not for me to analyze, decipher, code. It's not something that involves me, at this point.
