Thanks all! I can't say enough how nice it is to hear from you all. I'm just so confused at times.
Had a nice weekend, spent some unexpected time with H. Asked him to dinner and he agreed. Happened to have lunch with him as well. We both agreed it was a really nice day. He was planting lots of things outside and called me out there to see, told me of all his plans on the yard for US, my plants, etc. All the while, I was thinking...."why US....what if we spit, how can you be making plans like this while you still have the A on?"
I found that on Friday night he lied to me (surprise surprise) and withdrew more $ for OW, while he told me he couldn't hang out for other reasons. That hurt. Oh well. I AM SO GLAD THAT I AM NOT HOME. After moving out, I realized that living with him while this was going on was like carving a little piece of my soul out each day.
Ellie....it's amazing, you hit on something that my BF and I thought of when I spoke with her this weekend. She knows us both very well, as well as our history. H has a history of running when he thinks he screwed up, or I may be mad or not want him anymore. In our M, I had a habit of being the awful "historian" who brought up every little horrible thing he did back to the argument, threw it into his face, he finally blew about that last Monday. SO, it's natural for him to think that: if she blew and never forgot all the small things I did, for goodness sake, she'll never let me live down an A. I can understand that. My BF ( best friend, not boyfriend!!!) said that right now, he's quiet and pushing back b/c he's living his worst nightmare, me leaving. He mentioned in out talks that he thought I wouldn't come back from vacation--not that I would snap and get crazy, but that I would leave him. H had a rough childhood....now that I analyze....he reacts horrible to people who are anywhere near mean/abusive...my actions in M (controlling angry, etc) can fall into this category for H, which explains his horrible reaction to me even being a little angry. Also, he views himself as victim, or the one that really, really screwed up...and runs when he thinks that. He has real issues with feeling inadequate as well. This comes from his history, but I made him feel that way too, in my demanding, impatience, always finding fault. It didn't help his existing issues.
So, I'm thinking with my leaving, he encouraged me b/c i was TOO hard for him to face my anger daily. When I took him up on it, he thought that "this is it, she hates me, it's over" or something like that.
Now, I'm thinking it may have been wrong to move. But, staying was killing me inside. Really, it was. ALso, while I left for me, I did mostly for him. Long ago, H said that he was not in love with me nor with OW, but with being single. Recently, he also mentioned that it's been liberating to live for HIM, not always taking care of/worrying about what I, family or friends thought. He felt pressured.....so I wanted him to have this space. To live as he wants, to not have to lie each day about OW but do what he pleases. His independence, freedom means a lot to me, and I take it seriously....so that's a big part of why I moved.
I keep in touch with him and reach otu b/c I realize the whole fear of me being mad, not forgiving, leaving. So, I consistently reach out and try to have nice moments, so he knows that I'm not mad, I love him, but this is a time for us to quietly and respectfully have peace.
He's still having his A. He's still in touch, etc. I know that he started seeing her less when I was home, but as I see it, there's a lot of process for him to go through to "live with honor" as he stated, and I wanted him to have space for that. Not a W at home to suddenly start liking or face. But, then maybe he needed my support through it? Being selfish, I also don't want to be the one he simply "falls back on."
So, yesterday, I made sure we had a nice time, lots of smiles, laughs. I gave him a hug and he gave me a few nice kisses.
He's leaving for his trip this week (thurs)...I don't want to move back before then.....
