WCW, goodness, NO. I can see, re-reading my post, how you might have thought that I took blame for the A b/c of my actions in M. NO, NO, NO. Thanks for the reality check!!! You're great. I guess I just meant that I've been focusing too much on the A stuff and H, and not enough on ME, which I was before. In no way does that mean that I still don't have a problem with the A or think that was ENTIRELY H's fault. I can forgive, I can understand, but I am still hurt and it is still WRONG. We have choices, and it was the wrong one. H totally admits that, which is nice, but doesn't make it less painful.
So, had a relaxing evening last night, little emotional, but slept well. Since H made it seem that this separation was primarily for me, and I can tell he's also feeling guilty, sad, etc right now, I went out on a limb and asked him out on a date this weekend. He said he would call back. He didn't sound enthused, but I had no expectations and had backup plans. He called and was tired, we had a nice chat for over 1 hour on the phone, during which he was a little cold/aloof. I was normal and cheery. I told him that he sounded tired and I'd rather not go out. He agreed. I didn't ask to reschedule, as it didn't seem as if he was excited too, and the point of this time was to avoid obligatory actions. This morning, I called him to let him know I was comign over, and he was VERY quiet, almost cold, eager to get off the phone. I hated that....I hate calling him, esp. for even essential things like getting my stuff, b/c I feel like I bother him, he hates talking to me. I was skiddish on the phone and we had a short conversation. Then I called back, b/c I'm sick of acting. I explained, nicely that my skiddish tone was that I called for something essential, and I dislike calling at all b/c I feel that he hates talking to me. I told him that we had a nice comfort level going the last few weeks, esp. with our first R talk last week and I hoped to keep that up, if he wanted. We chatted some more, mostly me feeling like I was making H swallow nails. I had a good cry afterwards, it's so hard feeling like you're making someone so unhappy, which, is a good dose of reality b/c it's what H said he felt through our entire M through my actions--never good enough, always made me unhappy, etc.
I went to the house, he was there. He was nice, busy with a project and rarely gave me eye contact. My first instinct was to leave, but I had lots of thoughts of being compassionate and understanding of what he's going through, lots of facing his pain/anger at me, and also immense guilt at what he's done and feeling that he has no right to face me at all. So, I sat down and talked to him, was cheery, to show him I wasn't mad, very happy and doing well. I told him a few sweet things I wanted to tell him, no expectations, things I would tell a friend. We chatted about life, dreams, etc., and then I left, stayed for a little over 1 hour, that's all. As I left, H said he knew I was going to call today and tell him those things, that I was so sweet. I said it was sincere and he said he knew it was. He also said I looked great (which I didn't). I called a little later to ask if he needed the car, and he actually stayed on the phone, talked and said that he might be up my way later in the day and would call me. I said I would love that. He then quickly said that he didn't know if it would happen, and I said, no worries, if it did, it did.
So, I'm confused. Where is he? Why admit that you are sorry and indicate in so many ways you wan this, and then back off when I move out? Why push me away? Reject my advances? I'm only putting myself out there to make him feel loved, that I'm not horribly mad or rejectful of him. But, it's hard for me to keep doing that. Plus, I can't play this back and forth anymore. Does he want this or not? Who knows? Is he rejecting and acting unenthused so I'll finally say, "you know, I can't do this anymore" and be the one to leave b/c he doesn't want to cut the cord?
I now know that I need to focus inward again. Also, this is a phase that H needs to sort through his own. Glad I moved out. He's going through things now, and needs his space, and I'm glad that I'm not there for it either.
