SE--great to hear from ya. Glad things with the move are coming along on your end! Really, I'm glad about moving out, and happy it came to this point, it kinda had to. For both of us. I imagine this is the space the H needed a while back, but both of us were too scared. It's DEFINATELY what I needed....not idea, but I thank God each morning I had the strength to leave. I don't have to live and pretend that I have no idea that an A is going on or that I'm OK with it. Also, H is free and doesn't have the pressure to lie and sort his life out on his own.
It's just until his work break where he is away for 2 weeks, where I'll move back home. I'm assuming, after that, we'll have a talk and see to continue being separated or live together again.
Funny thing, H made it sound like this was for me, b/c of the A, but he has yet to contact me voluntarily AT ALL. I think it's a time of reflection and facing his feelings/pain too, so I don't blame him for not reaching out. Or, he's feeling guilty, and shameful to approach me while things going on with A.
I'm having a hard time figuring the A and OW out. Is it serious, so hard to let go? Yet, he voluntarily said that he felt that he couldn't talk to anyone else like he could talk to me (and we didn't have really deep conversations, which means theirs are just superficial?), that it was a product of him running away from me, and volunteered that he has intentionally started letting that go and was over that. Also, he's said that he's more attracted to me, and has shown it the past weeks. What's the power of the hold? What am I lacking? It's confusing and also a real esteem blower.
I'm just confused. Confused if this M is what I want. All this time I've been fighting for something that now I doubt. So overwhelming to go back, it seems easier to just take the next step and get a D. But, I just can't do that.
Overall, I'm doing quite well, considering. I'm really proud of myself, I had no idea I could muster this kind of strength. I'm not falling apart. I'm in fairly good spirits, thinking a lot, so not as jovial, but I am with friends. I've gone out with friends nearly each night this week. Taking time to face and think about possibilities I refused to focus on before. Remembering my part in this mess, which is a real reality check in the pity party mode.
The only thing that's scaring me a bit as an impact of all of this is my loss of focus and horrible memory. I used to have a memory of a computer (scary, yes...BAD in fights though). Just recently, I missed 2 meetings and got very confused with the dates of 2 conferences I have. I'm not as focused or creative or on top of things at work. Now that I'm out of the house, time to really focus on getting back on track with these things. I cannot fall apart like this. It's disturbing, and it'll definately give me a boost to throw myself into work. I've tried to address this area before, but I think that much of my conscious and subconscious was so occupied just living with H. Now it's not.
Things I miss: I miss company, laughs, and the good times we had, even when things were rough, like even this weekend. I miss a lot of things I don't want to write now, things I have forced myself to push back in my mind for now.
Things I don't miss: I like not having to NOT try waiting for him each night when he's "working late" but really out or talking with OW. I like not caring where he is, with whom or doing what. I like not having to "act as if" when I'm really sad. I like not having to pretend that things are not a mess. I like not having to lie in agony while we go to bed and do not touch, and wonder if I'll get a hug, a kiss, whether it'll be out of obligation or true affection. I like not having to see H's face when he comes home to me, with that look of, "oh, you're here...ugh." I like knowing that I am the strong woman that I envision myself and all women to be...independent, not competing, not waiting to be the one that H simply "falls back" on.
The other thing I was happy about when moving out--H said that he wanted to start as friends, maybe date, etc. I liked that idea. I was, at the same time, thinking after a nice weekend..."so, is this is, as good as it'll get, how we get back...just a simple easing back into normal life with no fanfare, no big talks, big reflection or decisions, no pushing the restart button???"
Funny, about women and strength. I see so much of that on the boards, as well as the men! On my vacation, I saw a lot of family and really had the chance to see the women in my family in a different way. I was trained to see them as everyone, including they themselves, see them. As housewives, wives, moms, cooks, caretakers, hostesses, etc. Wonderful, sweet, nurturing. But, this time, I heard and reflected on the lives and events of each of them....the husbands lost, children lost, husbands strayed/betrayed, financial distress, going up against cultural norms, going to college, working. I was proud, and took strength from this. I come from a long line of strong women who stand through tough times. I am proud.
This is hard. But, this is good. While I wish I never had this pain, I think of what I would've been like without this phase. I never would have grown, been more self-aware, been more aware of feelings of others, never learned patience, understanding, depths of love, learned to remember the good with the bad, learned silence and gentle ways of dealing with anger...most of all, I would have never known how strong I was inside.
I guess we all learn that here. How awful would it have been if we never discovered that in ourselves.
