Thanks for the post, Mama! No, didn't move out of emotions...I've wanted to do that several times, and refrained. It was VERY civil, nice and mutual, just peaceful. We both agreed that space was necessary...but I think each of us had the other in mind to benefit. I see this being really good for H...already he is facing more of his pain than in the last 6 months.
You are VERY right....my actions DID force H to protect himself from me. The distance and pushing away is shocking, but sad. I too was selfish in wanting to preserve the M, at a time when he wasn't ready. He was in a phase of being mad, confused, etc. I pushed. Now, I feel that I'm in the confused stage and he's indicated several times that he's more ready to stay in the M. But, I want him to think hard about this.
Funny, he said that in the last 2 months, he's felt me actually invite him to leave, the door being open, gently. He doesn't react well when I demand and ask "do you want a D" he HATES being the person to do the final act or make the big plunge. So I spend months making him comfortable to leave. He did admit that he's waited for a day that leaving would be right, and it just never comes....he said that after I admitted the same, so his feelings were sincere.
I think now he's confused. More on the side of staying though. He sees how great it is. Then, he faces the fact that we are so disconnected, so much of a mess to clean, so much to push through. We agreed that splitting seemed easier, but somehow didn't seem right, for now. I have to admit, I feel the same way as well.
Right now, I want to be a friend. Someone who is safe, and not expecting anything in return. Anything more would be manipulative....I'm not trying to make him stay...just be me, be a friend and we'll both see if it's good.
Right now we're both caught in this weird place. Feeling like victims and criminals at the same time. We're in this turbulence of feeling sorry and guilty for the other person and feeling sorry for ourselves. A mix of guilt, remorse and anger/resentment. I saw that in him last night....this weekend it was guilt, last night it was anger. I flop back and forth too.
Also, making the decision to stay, and fall in love is just the first step. There is so much to rebuild. In the wake of the mess, I see that we have created lots of mistrust, and safety issues with each other. We have BAD reactions to certain things the other does. My anger traumatizes him....his emotional withdrawal traumatizes me. I guess it's putting all that out on the table and seeing how to consciously do things that make the other person feel safer.
Of course, too early for any of that now, if the time should come at all. Time and patience is all I've got.
Funny, last night, in my mopey mode, I told him that I had spent lots of the day remembering the wonderful times we had in our early stages....he said it was nice to remember when we fell in love again. He was surprised that I had those good memories of him. I thanked him for a beautiful time in my life, some of the best years.
